this post is brought to you by someone who ate 3 whole potatoes at 11 pm

Note:  I took my final already, and I KICKED IT’S ASS.  Am very very happy.

I was a little too turned on watching “Citizen Kane” in class last night.  Orson Welles, super hot, insanely brilliant, and TALL.  Hummuna.  Seriously.  I bookmarked a couple books on him in GoodReads, as I’ve become more and more intrigued by this man that I would have most definitely had a picture of on my bedroom wall had I been alive in the 1940’s.

Anyways, I have my final today.  The first test I did well, the 2nd test I did NOT well (couldn’t keep straight the different types of shots and lenses and technical jargon.  Of course, being a former drama nerd, I did well on the prior test, which was all about acting styles and genres), so it’s all about this 3rd and final test, which discusses the ideology and critiques of films.  I feel pretty prepared, though I could be more so (and you never quite know what is gonna stick when you have that scantron in front of you.)  There is also an essay question where we have to break down the synthesis of a film.  I chose “Pieces of April” because, well…I own it on DVD.  Watched it on the roommate’s television last night (after listening to him complain about it’s “vagina cinema”), so I could get some ideas.  I’m actually really excited about that part of the test.

And then I have a summer break.  Kind of.  Still have work, of course.  And I plan on catching up on some reading, and not getting bogged down by silly mindless distractions (spending too much time on Facebook, rewatching television shows I have already seen).  I want to get more familiar with Photoshop before I start my design classes in the fall, and lose the 5 or so pounds I gained since I started class (which can be blamed on no more morning walks, and the late night, almost always unhealthy snacking I do when I get home from school).
Allison: I do not approve of this heat
Dan: vapors?
Allison: my heavens, yes
Dan: do you declare?
Allison: Why yes, yes I do.

I can probably blame the heat on my malaise and subsequent fattyness as well.  Oy.

One of the things I love the most about my friends is that they are totally down with little day adventures.  My friend Mitch seems to be the most down these days, accompanying me for picture taking at the Griffith Observatory

and Venice Beach, which is just packed to the gills with found art and interesting treasures.

BTW, I do NOT remember there being that many medical marijuana dispensaries along the boardwalk. It was kinda ridiculous.

I also went to Animal Acres on Sunday with Haley (one of the friends who helped me become vegan), and one of my best friends from high school, Tera (who is becoming a vegetarian!  Woot!).  Haley and I had been there before, and volunteered for them at assorted events.  Tera had never been, and it was an absolute blast

But OMIGOD THE PIGS.

They were nuzzling and cuddling and just the biggest lovebugs on Sunday.  Tera at one point remarked how weird/awesome it was that they would just roam around, interacting with the humans like it was no big deal, relaxed and happy.  Thats the difference between a place like Animal Acres and a regular farm or even a petting zoo (which is usually a bit high stress for the animals, who are pawed by small children, and carted to and fro).  The animals at Animal Acres know that they are in a safe environment, and as a result, are able to live the way they are supposed to, and it’s a great chance for people to see how affectionate a turkey or a pig could be! (I would never in a million year expect for a turkey to sit right by my feet and let me pet him for as long as I pleased.)

But the pigs…the pigs were extra lovey on Sunday.  As a result…we spent a lot of time with them

Needless to say, it was a great day

At this point, its 12:30, and I have work in 8 hours.  I am literally just wasting time just because I can.  What a goober.

Anyways, off to bed with me.  I have a feeling my early morning walk wont be happening , but I can always go on Saturday before yoga.  I have a feeling this is going to be a good weekend (which may or may not have to do with C, man of the moment, getting back into town).

Ahhh to have a lunch break where I can actually relax instead of study!

 

(not) easy like sunday morning.

I am at that point on a sleepy Sunday morning where I am trying to decide whether or not to go back to sleep.  So, I am compromizing by burying myself in pillows and blankets, enjoying how well the AC in my studio works, and sipping on a Sugar free Red Bull (it should have been green tea, but that would require effort, and I’m just not there yet.

Today’s batch of Sunday Secrets once again revealed a secret eerily close to my own life:

I don’t know how this happens.  My studio is literally ONE BIG ROOM (and a bathroom that really is, as the British would call it, a “Water Closet”), and so far I’ve misplaced one black shoe, my old point and shoot camera (which I haven’t used in a while since I got my Canon.), and my GLASSES  (Mom is gonna kill me if she reads this, as those were my birthday present.)

All of these have to be in my home because, the last time I saw my camera, it was at home, and I can’t physically leave my glasses or ONE of my shoes somewhere (I need the glasses to see, and 2 shoes to, well, walk.), so they HAVE to be in my home, or in my car.  the fact that I can’t FIND them, after looking what I feel is “everywhere” is starting to get really friggin irritating.  And, my eyeballs hurt from wearing contacts every day.

However, the studio is starting to come together.  I built something:

I went around to a bunch of local wine shops and begged off of them their old wooden wine crates.which proved to be no easy feat, as many of them re-use them, never get them save for once a year, or have a waiting list of people who want them as well.  I got some help from my landlords, who own a wine shop in South Pasadena.  I drilled the bottoms of the boxes, then put in rubber stopped, enforced screws.    Honorable mention goes to my friend J, who showed me how to do it, and lent me his drill and level, as well as accompanied me to Lowes to show me which ones to buy.  Whole enterprise?  Cost me nothing but 11 bucks for the screws.  I am stupidly proud of these shelves, you have no idea.

The rest of Allison-land is pretty much same old same old.  The studio is getting there (though have no pictures I am willing to share yet.  but trust me, its coming alonge), film class is awesome and interesting and I’m not failing, so thats good (side note:  Orson Welles, when he wasn’t gigantic (think first half od Citizen Kane?  HOTTIE).  I have a feeling that the remainder of my summer break will be spent watching a ton of movies, and being able to watch them in a new way.  The man of the moment is out of the country for 2 weeks, and I have a feeling I’m gonna miss him and his silly face and his beard and his smiley face emoticons a smidge.  Thats what I get for dating a guy with dual citizenship. 

Ok, I am now off to clean, get my car washed, study, and get my hairs cut.  Can I do it?

 

This is what I woke up to this morning

7:28amHaley

Oh, and Howler Monkey is a Calvinist (Howler Monkey is her cat)

7:29amAllison
?

7:29amHaley
Well, it explains everything

He & Andy fight a lot

because they’re views are so different (Andy is her other cat, whom she believes to be a Communist)

and he attacks the women all the time

because he probably thinks they’re dirty whores.

7:29amAllison

what is a calvinist?

7:29amHaley

John Calvin!

Fire and brimstone

predestination

YA’LL GOING TO HELL!

lol.

7:29amAllison

never heard of him (note…it’s 7:30 in the morning)
7:30amHaley

Eeeep!

Calvinists are totally scary

they believe that everyone is pretty much going to hell

and there’s nothing you can do about it

because god says who will go to heaven

before you’re born
7:30amAllison

…and you believe Howler Monkey is a Calvinist….why?
7:31amHaley

didn’t I just explain above?!?!

Howler Monkey is all fire & brimstone

he’s a bad calvinist though

I even think he may be turning his back on the religion

because of his friendship with Andy

Look, I don’t make the rules here

that’s just the way the monkeys roll

 

Status Update Supreme

I never want to become one of those people who update their status on Facebook 80 times a day. That’s what I have a mutha-flippin blog for. So.

Allison….

…is still sick, and praying to whatever influenza gods that she is back to center for work tomorrow. Because it’s gonna be insane. This whole week. I’m burying my head in my pillow in anticipation.

…misses her morning walks with Emma.

Once I have a little bit more grasp on everything, I hope to get back into my routine, if Em hasn’t surpassed me (she has taken to RUNNING in the morning now.)

…really sucks at studying. Seriously. I’ve gotten better since I realized that I am not cool enough to be able to (productively) study with television, music or someone else in the room in the background, and in order to actually get anything accomplished, I need complete silence. But even still…my eyes hurt and I get overwhelmed and then I start thinking of everything else I need to do and my head starts spinning and….

yeah.

There’s a reason I always got genius level IQ scores, but a solid C average through most of school. Allison does not study well. But she’s getting better. Or, she’s trying, anyways.

…feels like her work is never done. The studio is coming along (My gentleman caller of these days came by for a little bit for the first time and saw it in it’s somewhat messy glory, and he DIDN’T run away screaming, so I consider that a good sign). The “kitchenette” set-up I have going on is still, um…well….

a picture really says a thousand words, doesn’t it?

It’s not so hard to get your ducks in a row as it is for you to keep them there. Because they’re ducks! They move! And so does stuff in your home. And so does the lecture from the professor. And so does the money in your bank account. And I’m starting to feel like I can’t keep up. It’s so discouraging, because this was supposed to be my new fresh start…but I feel like I’m losing my grip a little bit. Or maybe it’s just one of those weeks.

…loves her Dad and is glad she got to see him this morning for Father’s Day.

 

daily stuck in my head song, 6/17/09

As I was showering, I had all sorts of things I was planning on writing about…but fuck, I’m exhausted. I haven’t balanced school and a full time job in about a year, not to mention that this week at work has been insanity to say the least.

So for now, I’ll post the song that has been stuck in my head today (no matter where my brain is, I always have at least one song stuck in my head at any given time.)

 

clean getaway

A friend of mine said to me the other day “Maybe you couldn’t realize how much you were in love him until you realized you weren’t anymore.”

It occured to me the other day how much I simply do not care anymore.  On some level, I will always care about him deeply, and I pray that he someday becomes the man he is capable of being…but my hands have long since been washed of the foolishness.

There was always blame to share, I’m sure.  But as the distance between us grows longer and father, now that he has disappeared into that horizon, not even a speck, (because a speck means I’m still watchig him walk away, doesn’t it?), now that those last few remaining threads of our ripped tapestry have been snipped clean through.  Now that I have looked at our past with a logical, mature mind, can I finally say out loud my conclusions.

I loved him desperately.  Speaking to him on the phone if only for a brief second made my day.  I had never been close to loving someone the way that I loved him.  He was more than just a partner, he ran through my veins, he was, in some form or another, a part of every decision that I made.

I look back in astonishment at how badly I let myself be treated, always coming back for more.  The cruelty of his tone, the callousness he treated my tears when he was just “tired of dealing with it”.  I kept knocking on that door, and for 3 years, I only got as far as the doorway.

He was always a better friend to me than he ever was a boyfriend.  When the tension of a relationship, and the sex and the bullshit that goes along with it were peeled away, you had two people who couldn’t have been a better match for one another.  But in my experience, the biggest fault of a good man isn’t maliciousness or even selfishness…simply cowardice.  The way he chose to handle…well, every problem we had was cowardly.  Sometimes its easier to call someone an asshole rather than a coward…because calling someone an asshole doesn’t attack their masculinity.

Those 3 years were not all bad.  But I’m glad they are over, relieved that I came out of those ashes a better version of myself than I ever imagined possible (and still improving).  I hate him for giving me this baggage that I now have strapped onto my back for all future relationships.  Just because he was an asshole doesn’t mean his criticisms of me don’t echo in my brain from time to time (“Will the next man I date also refuse to share a bed with me because I toss and turn when I sleep”  “Will I be sexual enough”  “Will I be loveable enough”).  I hate myself for putting up with it as long as I did, and so willingly at that.

A year later, I can finally say out loud what I’ve been feeling for a while now.

Perhaps someday we CAN be friendly, since thats the only thing we were able to do well.

Thank god I am not with you anymore.  Thank god I didn’t mistake your begging me back for real love, instead of the ego stroking upper hand manuevering that it was. And while I take responsibility for our ultimate demise, it was you who ultimately killed us (and that includes our subsequent “friendship”)

I hope that one day you can grow up, and face lifes challenges with the integrity that I know you are capable of.  But, in the meantime, all I can say is…

Goodbye.

 

Musings on Romance

“A. was telling me about his bowel movements earlier.

I can’t tell if the romance has ended

or it’s just started”

-Haley

 

never laugh with spite, just sit there and say thank you

I saw this on PostSecret today, and wow, did it hit a (good) nerve.

I imagine that’s how I would have felt on my 18th birthday, if the day itself hadn’t been so wrought with turmoil. I know that on my most recent birthday of 24 years, I felt this way. So excited about what lay before me. I still feel that way (as I spent this morning talking once again with Emma about graphic design on our 6 am walk.), though I’m a wee bit antsy about getting things going already.

Anyone who can read the postcards on PostSecret and NOT be moved, touched, humored is not someone I want to know at all.

I’ve been very tired lately, and its bugging me. One of my favorite benefits about going vegan (besides not feeling guilty about eating animals) was that I had so much more energy. Mind you, I now have a full time job and a pretty active social life, which more easily lends itself to me feeling lethargic…but still. It bums me out. I’m hoping that once my morning walks with Emma turn into morning runs, I shall be a dynamo that cannot be stopped. In the meantime, I would just settle for not feeling like I’m on the verge of falling asleep when I read on my lunch break.

On one more note…whenever I stop to think that the universe is unfair and there is no point to things, and unfortunate events just beget other unfortunate events, never eventually leading to anything productive… I just have to remind myself of times like this.

The mantra “everything happens for a reason” may seem like a silly, oversimplified one, but it has proven itself time and again for the past 6 years. It has kept me sane in severe times of strife and misfortune, and has yet to really disappoint me. There is something to be learned from every single event that will transpire in your life.

I bring this up because in the past few days, something interesting has happened. And while I have no clue how this will all turn out, I know that these events, however small, transpired for a reason, and I am grateful, and simply enjoying it for what it is at this moment in time.

Man, I’ve gotten really effin zen in the past year. Go figure.

 

Assessing my ass, and other Thursday evening ramblings

I’m waiting for Haley to get her act together so we can get thee asses to the gym, and I felt like writing, in honor of my URL (rambly rambly goodness). I went walking with Emma this morning, and while it was a bit shorter (I MAY have overslept), it was a great way to start the day, and I wasn’t very tired at all. We even incorporated (a wee bit of) running. Depending on whether or not I decide to be irresponsible and see a movie tonight (ee gads, on a work night!), I may go again tomorrow morning.

Emma and I have decided that one of our costumes for Halloween will have to be “powerwalking cougars”.

Like this, but with waaayyyy too much makeup, press on nails, and the incorporation of leopard print in some fashion. Jumpsuits and fanny packs will need to be involved.

I’m finally getting around to reading “1984″, and I am absolutely hooked. I’m bummed, but a little glad I have to miss book club this month, because omigod, “The Lighthouse” was exceptionally boring. I mean, I bought the damn thing, so I’ll probably finish it at some point relatively soon… but since I don’t have a deadline…Orwell it is!

This weekend is going to be pretty busy, but I can’t wait. A couple birthdays, yoga (Emma and Lainey are both joining for the first time), a weird hipster-ish flea market in Eagle Rock, farmers markets and a possible big screen viewing of “The Goonies”

Sometimes it’s fairly decent being me.

But right now, as I’m waiting for Haley to get her ass to North Hollywood, I just want to eat some pie, watch some “Tropic Thunder” with J, and say fuck the gym. But no, I’m gonna be good, and go, because my ass is getting a little too big for my comfort level.

Favorite quote: “You know, Allison, when you have a luscious ass, such as yourself….” – Emma as we went to dinner the other night.

Namaste.

 

Allison is crushing all over this ‘hood

I have been so boy crazy lately, it’s insane. I don’t know if its spring, or being single for so long, or just the fact that there are so many attractive men out there…but I have menz on the brain.

D: Sometimes I think there might be some attraction there, but for obvious reasons, the chances of anything happening are very slim. I like our banter, and the way you make eye contact with me sometimes makes my stomach warm. You are older than me, and there is good chance I seem exceptionally “young” to you…you may very well just be that friendly with everyone…but for whatever reason, I look forward to seeing you, and keep looking for excuses to talk to you. If nothing else, I at least hope you’ve checked out my butt once or twice, on the good ass days.

J: I don’t know you very well. In fact, we have only met 3 or 4 times. And while I always thought you were cute, your face did not stick in my brain long after our meetings until after my friend said she wanted to set us up. And then you have been lodged in my brain, and I can’t shake you out. I don’t know if this is me just needing to put a face to an idea of a man, and yours became available, or if there really is a spark every time we see each other (you always seem to talk to me for long periods of time). I think it’s the latter. I dig on your impressive facial hair, your kind face, and your sense of humor. But circumstances are in the way, so I sit here, just waiting for a chance to bump into you again, and talk to you for longer than 20 minutes.

M: Is it silly that I haven’t decided if I have a crush on you yet or not? You are definitely unlike the men I normally find attractive, far more quiet and reserved than I normally find, well, comfortable. But you are very funny, and very dry (which I love), and oddly warm given your stoic nature. I teased you the other day that I have far from figured you out. Whether you being a hard nut to crack is your appeal, or the simple fact that you are serious and intelligent and thoughtful…I don’t quite know yet. But I like spending time with you, the dynamic so much different than my other friends, and am inexplicably drawn to you. Yet you keep a distance that…the hugger, the girl with her heart on her sleeve does not quite know how to interact with. And you appreciate the brilliance of Mr. Show, which is ALWAYS a plus. I hope that once you get to know more people in Los Angeles, you still have time for me, whether it be as a friend, or something more.

And you have a nice smile, I wish you showed it more, and not just through emoticon.

Cute Barista Boy: I don’t even know your name (I think it’s Steve). I don’t even care that you smoke, have a receding hairline, and work at a Starbucks in the dreaded Santa Clarita Valley. I think you are ever so cute, you foam soy milk just the right way, and…i just want to kiss your face.

p.s for the whole 2 of you who can guess who these men are…try to keep your guesses off the comments section, yes?