my friends know me too well

Alli : And, you know, they are both just such awesome laid back people

Emma : yeah. and you’re awesome too!
Emma : maybe not “laid back” but definitely awesome

 

my friends suck :P

while chatting online with Haley while she is at her boyfriend’s house:

“Haley Monkey” (8:56:29 PM): alright, it’s prison sex time.
“Haley Monkey” (8:56:32 PM): <3 <3

Alli (8:56:35 PM): !!!!!!!!

"Haley Monkey" (8:56:38 PM): OZ

Alli (8:56:44 PM): oh jesus haley
Alli (8:56:47 PM): uncool

"Haley Monkey" (8:56:57 PM): what
"Haley Monkey" (8:57:07 PM): it's oz.

Alli (8:57:08 PM): YOU KNOW WHAT

 

just a reminder

I may look adorable, but I can mess you up

 

the now

Someday, I pray that you will be able to say this and mean it:

Until then, there is just nothing more to say.

(thank you once again, Postsecret, for always hitting the nail right on the head, per usual)

 

morning conversation

(Justin the roommate and I are talking while tv is on in background)

Justin:…and that stupid commercial ends with them all saving a teddy bear stuck in a tree. I hate it. So much.

(Alvin and the Chipmunks commercial comes on)

Allison: now, see, this angers me far more than that commercial…why was this made? I mean, A SEQUEL to a movie that no one asked for in the first place! It’s so-

Justin: Allison, stop right there… (grins) it’s a Squeak-quel, remember?

Allison: ….I just…so badly…want to injure you.

 

Ok, people…

As of November 26th, I have been vegan for a YEAR. Can we maybe stop treating it like some phase I’m going through?

Thanks kindly.

-Alli

 

lovely little los angeles sunday

Since I’m unemployed and live alone, I get a wee bit stir crazy at times.  So much so that I’ve made it a point to get out of the house at least once a day, even if it’s just to grab a cup of tea or go to the store. Any excuse for me to put on some makeup, and wear something otheer than pajamas.

Sunday, however, I spent the majority of out of the house, and actually doing stuff that was fun (which is sorely needed since I’m currently in the throes of finals panic).

I’ve been hearing about the Fairfax Flea Market/ Melrose Trading Post for awhile now, so when Lainey suggested going there, I jumped at the chance.

It was overcast and cold and not that crowded, which was nice.  Since I’ve already bought/planned out all my Christmas presents, it was more a chance for me to look around and get a few ideas for art projects, and spend a much needed day with Lainey.

After that we went to tail end of the Hollywood Farmers Market, my favorite Sunday destination.  And I have a new crush

the super cute street band.  wind instruments?  and accordian?  suits?  I want them all to be my boyfriend.

Later that evening, I went to a free drive in screening of “A Muppet Christmas Carol” downtown, in an empty parking lot adjacent to the fashion district, where Frankenstand had $3 veggie hot dogs.  Muppets?  Michael Caine?  Drive In?  Hot dogs?  I’M IN.

Mitch is such a good friend, he brought a blanket for cold, a giant Newcastle, he listened to me geek out over muppet-ness, and let me eat this stinky and delicious monstrosity in his car.

One of the best parts of the evening however, was us quoting lines from the opening of Aqua Teen Hunger Force Movie:

Only to have it start playing a minute later:

All in all, it was one of those days where I really and truly appreciate living in this city, and equally appreciate the opportunities to experience and enjoy all the special little treats this city has to offer, if you know where to look. I’ll leave you with a little trinket I got at the flea market:

 

and as long as you live it

When I was 20, my mother sent me this, after the first time I got my heart broken (though it would be broken again, and again after that…ahhh young love).

This has become my motto.  Not the essay itself, but the ideas behind it.  I even got into a debate with an acquaintance a few weeks ago when they called me “overly picky” when it came to dating (it’s called “not settling”, jackass).

It Is Better To Be Alone, Than In The Wrong Company

* Tell me who your best friends are, and I will tell you who you are.

* If you run with wolves, you will learn how to howl. But, if you associate with eagles, you will learn how to soar to great heights.

*”A mirror reflects a mans face, but what he is really like is shown by the kind of friends he chooses.”

*The simple but true fact of life is that you become like those with whom you closely associate for the good and the bad. The less you associate with some people, the more your life will improve.

* Any time you tolerate mediocrity in others, it increases your mediocrity. An important attribute in successful people is their impatience with negative thinking and negative acting people. As you grow, your associates will change. Some of your friends will not want you to go on. They will want you to stay where they are. Friends that don’t help you climb will want you to crawl. Your friends will stretch your vision or choke your dream. Those that don’t increase you will eventually decrease you.

*Consider this: Never receive counsel from unproductive people.

Never discuss your problems with someone incapable of contributing to the solution, because those who never succeed themselves are always first to tell you how.

Not everyone has a right to speak into your life. You are certain to get the worst of the bargain when you exchange ideas with the wrong person.

Dont follow anyone whos not going anywhere. With some people you spend an evening: with others you invest it

Be careful where you stop to inquire for directions along the road of life. Wise is the person who fortifies his life with the right friendships.

Haley and I discuss this constantly.  As people who have both fallen victim to staying in years-long relationships that simply didn’t work, and that we stayed in because we were scared/young/didn’t know any better.  I personally, don’t so much regret the time spent in the relationship as much as what I let myself turn into.  I loved my boyfriend immensely, and probably always will on some level, and being with him as long as I did was a learning experience if nothing else.  But I regret letting myself turn into the pathetic, weak willed, nutcase that I was, instead of the independent, strong willed nutcase I am now

Another good friend of mine just recently broke up with her on and off boyfriend of 6 years, this time for good.  Remembering all too well how irritating it felt to have people giving advice or even saying “good riddance”, I have simply tried to share with her all the happiness I felt when I no longer felt chained to a sinking ship.  How, despite being heartbroken over losing my first love, I felt invigorated with the independence and possibility that lay before me.  I think she is starting to feel the same way as well.

It’s one thing to be picky…it’s another thing to settle for less than you deserve (and that goes for all human relationships – So and so may be a very nice person, but if you don’t enjoy their company or feel like you gain anything from the relationship…why?  That doesn’t mean be a jackass and cut people off.  Thats what “acquaintances” are for.  But if you are going to invest time, energy, love…you have to wonder if it is worth it.

H sent me “If You Forget Me” by Pablo Neruda the other day, and I can’t get it out of my mind, and think its fits nicely with what I have been saying(it’s slightly edited, click the hyperlink above for the full poem)…

I want you to know
one thing.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Sadly, I feel that, I am still lacking in this area.  While I make it a point to not be taken advantage of others, and keep the clutter in the form of people in my life to a minimum… to keep around those who love me, the ones that when I hug, they will hug back, that put in as much into the friendship/relationship as I do…I do, sometimes keep trying.  Occasionally my “love” does not feed on their love, but on my wishes and hopes and sometimes good old fashioned denial.  Occasionally, my roots do not set off for other land, but set up camp in the hopes that the person and/or their affection for me returns.  Occasionally, it pays off……..Most of the time, it does not.

 

“Annoying”

That word.

I was always a weird child. While never anything closely resembling “popular”, I wasn’t ever quite the leper, the weird girl who wore cat sweaters and ate paste. I had friends. But never very many, and for every 1 person that genuinely liked me, there were 2 people who didn’t. Who thought I was “annoying”.

Now, annoying behavior encompasses many things. As I got older, my peers were able to better articulate what it was they didn’t like about me. That I talked too much. That I was loud. That I always tried to be involved in a conversation/fit in/was too clingy. Sure, there have been other disliked qualities, but never quite as universally agreed on, nor have consistently spanned quite so many years as these few.  And while they have been toned down to a large extent over the years (a fact I was discussing just the other day…that for someone to picture how I was in high school, they should visualize how I act when I’ve had a drink or 2…and then exaggerate THAT  times ten.), occasionally it comes up.  Sometimes it’s joking, sometimes it’s not (and sometimes I’m not sure).  And when it’s not, the party in question will usually bring up a particular one, not the “trifecta”.

But occasionally, I’ll get the word “annoying”.  And after almost 25 years, that one still stings.

The fact is, at the risk of sounding cocky, I am a fairly self-realized person.  While I make no claims that I need no improvement (far from it), I have a pretty clear idea of who I am as a person, what my strengths are, and more importantly, what my weaknesses are (Now this is not to say that I know who I am going to be for the rest of my life. At the age of 24, that would be quit e presumptuous).  Which is why when people make generalized assumptions about me, or act as though they have me “figured out”, it angers me more than anything else can.  I’m a realistic person, and while there are plenty of things I do wrong in life, “deflecting” is not one of them.

While my abilities at fixing said weaknesses is another matter entirely (because knowledge and action don’t always go hand in hand, the latter takes a great deal more work), I am aware of them.  Of how they hold me back.  Or in this case, of how they drive others away.

I know that I talk a great deal.  Usually, when I’m excited or passionate, and often when I’m nervous too.  I have been that way, literally, since before I spoke my first actual word.  Some people call it babble, or rambling (when it’s the nervous talking), and more recently someone was kind enough to affectionately refer to it as being “verbose”.

I also know that I speak very loudly.  Whether it stemmed from being in performing arts for the majority of my life, or a need for attention… who knows.  It usually comes out when I’m excited, passionate, or just downright pissed about whatever the topic is.

But the fact is… it’s who I am.  I continually try to become more concise, or just shut my mouth entirely…but it doesn’t work all the time.  I try to be more aware of my volume, and do a fair job of controlling it about half the times…as a result it usually only gets past me when, I’m not paying attention.  And I try to be more concise, but most of the time I feel like when I am, I’m misunderstood (and as I mentioned before, I hate being misunderstood), so I constantly feel like I need to compensate and clarify.

I guess there is no real point to this post.  No grand epiphany, no vow to do better (as I already have been trying for years), just a quiet “huh” moment where I realize how much one little word has so much power to tap into all my deep seated insecurities (in addition to those closer to the surface).  Obviously, it depends on who that word is coming from.  But I know that I ultimately care too much about what others think and feel about me, and at this point, I’m trying to figure out how much is stuff that I need to change about myself (as self improvement is always part of my M.O) and how much is me just adopting an “If you don’t like me for me, then too fucking bad” attitude.

As with most things, it’s probably not as simple as one or the other, but a combination of the two.  I just need to figure out the formula.

Huh.

:/

 

yes yes yes. A thousand times yes.

There is nothing about this that ISN’T full of WIN.