Allison’s Eclectic Expatiation

I had my first session with a personal trainer on Thursday. They were having a special at my gym, and I had money from Christmas, so I decided to go for it, as I had hit a plateau and needed some further assistance.

It was a good session. She suggested that I may be eating too much soy. Apparently soy ups your estrogen levels, so even if you ARE building muscle, it’s soft, fluffy muscle ( I may be paraphrasing a bit.) Anyways, I’m going to start taking a special vegan multivitamin, and obviously doing the weights and exercise regime. I have high hopes.

I’ve been very on edge lately, mostly out of loneliness and lack of things to do. No work on the horizon, not even any interviews for about 2 months. I’m not in school right now, and my friends are all busy with assorted things. I find myself antsy and depressed, and then ultimately angry at myself, others, the universe for feeling that way, though I try my best to not take it out on others, but only out on myself (stress smoking, mostly.)

This is a lull, I know this. I know (or pray) that it will not always be like this even for long. So for now I try to keep myself sane by focusing on the things to come.

* School starting, taking classes leading to a field I might actually be interested in and (gasp) good at. I think a good portion of my anxiousness is the feeling that I’m not DOING anything, not accomplishing anything.

* Now that the new year is under way, there will be more parties and get togethers.

* Chinese New Year. I’m not a horribly superstitious person, but this upcoming year is the year of the Ox. MY YEAR. I could certainly use a string of good luck right now, and, who knows, maybe it is mind over matter, but there is a part of me that thinks that maybe after the 26th…thinks will be coming up Allison just a little more. If nothing else, maybe I’ll just be a little bit happier.

One must know about me:

I am a very forgiving person,  almost to a fault.  I don’t like having enemies, and I try to see the good in people as often as I can.

If I have ever loved you, as a friend, family, or more, I will put up with a lot.  I will stand by, forgive, forget, excuse, and continue to love.  Loving unconditionally means loving unconditionally.

That being said, if I have ever loved you, and I decide to not have you in my life anymore, and actually stick by it?  You must have REALLY screwed up.

I have an internet connection, so I just wanted to say hi.

HI! I’m in West Chester, PA, home of the QVC!

Also, I’m visiting family

I got in last night, played light saber with my cousins for a bit, and then went to bed. Luckily I seem to have skipped right past the jet lag which is nice. This morning my aunt and I went to the YMCA to take a yoga class (it just wasnt the same as Golden Monkey, which I miss and will be going back to next Saturday.)

I’m just resting after lunch, and before the kids get home from school, when I will then be corralled into playing Wii and light saber battles. It’s a hard job, but someone’s gotta do it

My dad and I have been playing online Scrabble for the last couple weeks, and if you ever wondered where I get my competitive spirit and love of toilet humor, look no further. We usually text each other to let one another know we took our turn, and today he sent me a text message saying “I just went” and then followed it up with “I also just took my turn.”

Classy fella.

Allison

its past your bedtime, me-thinks my dad

Bob

I was waiting for you to make your move and fell asleep at the computer.

Allison

HAHAH

i went already

like, an hour ago

Bob

Now go again…

This one isn’t potty humor either.

Allison

oh. my. god.

i would never think to correlate “void” with poo.

Bob

Yes?

Allison

if you hadnt said that

you are a bad influence

i dont think my parents would like me hanging around you anymore.

Bob

We should probably stop associating with each other.

Allison

haha

probably

ah well.

we had a good run

23 years, was it?

Bob

They said it wouldn’t last

I don’t really plan on ever getting married.

Most of my close friends know this about me. It’s not that I’m adamantly against it, I just don’t think it is something for me, and I think that as a society, we don’t take it seriously enough. My generation has a frighteningly short attention span, and I don’t think making a decision about the rest of their life on such a grand scale is something that we are really capable of. Mind you, this is not all-encompassing, but I feel it describes the majority.

I was watching “Frida” today, and upon hearing Tina Modotti’s wedding toast, I found that I agreed with almost everything she said, and how she said it.

“I don’t believe in marriage. No, I really don’t. Let me be clear about that. I think at worst it’s a hostile political act, a way for small-minded men to keep women in the house and out of the way, wrapped up in the guise of tradition and conservative religious nonsense. At best, it’s a happy delusion – these two people who truly love each other and have no idea how truly miserable they’re about to make each other. But, but, when two people know that, and they decide with eyes wide open to face each other and get married anyway, then I don’t think it’s conservative or delusional. I think it’s radical and courageous and very romantic. To Diego and Frida”

I think those are wise words.  The only way to go into marriage is with the knowledge that things will be difficult, that you will probably want out at some point during it, that you are chaining yourself to this person for the rest of your life (especially if you choose to have children with them.), which is kind of a crazy concept anyways, if you think about it….and the only reason to GET married is knowing and acknowledging everything previously mentioned, but knowing that not being able to spend the rest of your life with the other person and call them yours would be infinitely more painful.

Something I need to buy for my next apartment: A big comfy reading chair.

(minus the baby, of course)

Currently, even though I love to read, I don’t have a favorite place or position TO read. I read in the tub, and I read in bed before I go to sleep… but when I lay in bed reading, I inevitably fall asleep.

The good majority of my books are bent because of this way of falling asleep. They end up on my face, curled in a fist, stuffed under pillows…just last week when stripping the sheets to be washed, I found 3 BOOKS amongst the blankets. However, I really have no where else to read OTHER than my bed, currently. There are some chairs and a couch in my mom’s living room, but the chairs are small, and the couch…well, if I sit on a couch, I will LAY on the couch and promptly fall asleep anyways. Even after I got a great, comfy couch in my last place, I only sat on it when hanging out with friends, or watching tv. A couch gives me too many options. I need a chair.

My new favorite way lately has been to lay on my bed with my legs propped on the wall.

It’s a good stretch, and definitely not a position you can fall asleep in (unless you are REALLY fucking tired.), but it’s not quite the same as curling up in a comfy ball and sinking your teeth into a book.

Look how comfortable she looks!

Sometimes I think my lack of comfort while reading is the biggest reason I dont read as often as I would like, which is so silly because I used to read in the most uncomfortable situations. I read on the bus, squished between a million people who all, inexplicably, smelled like feet. I read in class in high school (when I should have been paying attention to the teacher). I read during my lunch breaks (when I had a job), and there were tons of people yammering on around me. So much of my reading time is disturbed by me fidgeting and trying to get comfortable, thus taking me out of the “reading zone”, which I desperately need to be in, since otherwise my ADD kicks in, letting me get distracted by everything under the sun.

Even when I DO read in bed getting ready to go to sleep, I have to get myself in an intricate position of my pillow under my head “just so”, with one knee curled into my chest, one leg straight out, and assorted pillows cocooning the whole crazy setup. I also have the pillows under my book hand propped up in a certain way so my wrist doesn’t hurt.

I think my ADD is getting worse.

Or, hell, I just need a chair.

Who am I kidding, it’s both.

******************************************************
Side note: while playing online Scrabble with my dad, I got these letters, arranged just so:

Indeed, Scrabble. Indeed.

The Mayor of Castro Street: The Life and Times of Harvey Milk by Randy Shilts

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
I had this book on my “to read” list for ages, ever since it was mentioned in passing in “The Perks of Being a Wallflower”. Once I found out that they were making a biopic, I knew I needed to read it before seeing the movie.

I might add to this review after seeing “Milk” tomorrow, because I will be very curious to see if they made him out to be a martyr when he was, in fact, a far from perfect man. The book leads one to wonder what were the MAIN driving forces for all the work he did for the gay community…I mean, obviously his stances and beliefs were real…but was the most important thing to him gay equality rights? Or putting on a good show?

The book does an extremely impressive job telling a very even-handed story. Randy Shilts does not paint Milk as the 2nd coming, or a superhuman being, or even someone who did superhuman things. Amazing things, to be sure, and was definitely a driving force behind gay activism in the 1970’s… but ultimately just a man, and a flawed one at that.

Another thing I really liked about this book as it doesn’t just talk about Harvey Milk, but about this pivotal time in gay activism in general. Inserted throughout the main story are smaller anecdotes about men coming out of the closet, or facing adversity. Some triumphing, and some failing, but all ultimately leading to something bigger.

View all my reviews.

I’m having some major self esteem issues right now.

I have been trying to lose weight lately. Like, actually taking it seriously, going to the gym multiple times a week, watching what I eat (though I find that with the vegan diet, bad food temptations are a lot less likely)

Lately I have been feeling like I am backsliding. I just FEEL bigger, even though my weight hasn’t gone up more than about a pound, though it has stopped going DOWN, which bothers me.

I know, I know, this is some major self loathing going on right now. I will no doubt get comments and/or emails from friends expressing their affection for me, and calling me beautiful. It’s just… I’m considered by many to be pretty. but I feel like the weight holds me back. I’m re-entering the dating scene, ALMOST back to the weight I was when I started dating my ex…but even when I was down to that weight, the male species wasn’t exactly banging down my door. Chubby chasers or guys that, quite frankly, couldn’t do much better….  A perfect example of this is the very attractive and VERY drunk guy that hit on me on New Years Eve.  I knew that the only reason he was making moves on me was a) he was drunk, b) he didn’t live locally, and c) I was the only woman around at the peak of his drunkenness.  No great loss, when I didn’t reciprocate, he was kind of an ass, but still…it reminds me that the certain type of guys I find attractive, and would LIKE to date have certain tastes that I, most likely, will not meet, MOSTLY because of my size.

I’m rambling, I know. But I am so self conscious when meeting men these days…by hitting on Guy X or Guy Y…am I out of my league? Am I fooling myself in thinking they would even be remotely interested in me?  It’s like gambling, before setting down your bet you want to know how good your odds are.  If I were 30 pounds thinner, my odds would be so much better.

I would rather be alone than settle, I know this much. And I don’t want a “boyfriend” anyways…but, man, I do get lonely sometimes. I have great friends and a pretty great social life. But I miss the things that you can only get from someone you are dating. Those little bits of affection, hell, just the KNOWLEDGE that you like someone and they, miraculously, LIKE YOU BACK. You wouldn’t think it, but that knowledge is surprisingly powerful stuff, especially when you have been used to having it for so long.

But back to the weight… I know I should just continue what I’m doing, and not binge on food (albeit healthy food) like I did today…and love myself, blah blah blah…

Mostly it’s the fear that when hitting on a guy, that I’m just kidding myself. I think thats what scares me the most.

I will probably regret posting such a vulnerable, stream of conciousness post in the morning, and MAN does it go against my feminist brou haha.  Haley will yell at me.  And I just realized that this is my first post of the new year What a way to start off 2009, huh?  I better post some bunnies again soon.