Allison’s Eclectic Expatiation

About 8 months ago, my 3 year relationship ended, a fact that has been well documented here. When we first broke up, I was sad of course, but looked at it as an opportunity growth, a chance to be an independent, fun loving single. I was discovering the person I could be without the ex, who was my best friend and pretty much my only social life. It was exciting, and I genuinely enjoyed being single and not dealing with the menz. And I kept that mindset for a good few months, until loneliness, low self esteem, and boredom caused me to start making a concerted effort to date.

With nothing much else to distract myself with, and, in hindsight, an attempt to boost my ego, I began focusing on it more than I should have. When you are in a relationship for a long time, you take for granted the simple fact that you like/love someone that, miraculously, likes/loves you back. But regardless, with school not driving me, and the job hunt a joke in this economy…I have probably given it more attention than it deserves the past few months. Anyways, the point I’m making is that, until I have a full time job again, no dating for the Allison.  Nada.  I’m in no rush, and even if I met Prince Charming tomorrow, we’ll just have to be buddies and get to know each other that way until I have more stuff going on in my life.  I mean, he IS Prince Charming, after all.  Certainly he’ll be understanding.

Additionally…I’m not really the person I want to be right now.  As I wrote in my last post, I’ve had a lot of free time to re-evaluate my life, in EVERY aspect.  And I have come to some ugly, hard truths about myself.  Regarding my selfishness, my laziness.  My ability to be shockingly inwardly focused, unless, of course I’m focusing on what others THINK about me, in which case I will ONLY THINK OF THAT.

For years I was told by everyone that I was exceptionally bright and mature for my age.  That I was ahead of the curve, intellectually.  I think I have let that give me a sense of entitlement over the years, expecting that the world owed me something because (at the time) I was sharper than most people my age, not because I had done any hard work.  I had a way with words that got me what I wanted, though not really excelling or exceeding expectations at anything, except maybe performing arts.  Additionally, this…selfish mentality has affected my friendships as well.  I start just expecting my friends to adore me, simply because I’m Allison.  And yes, your friends should love you for who you are…but what if the person you ARE somedays isn’t that lovable?

I’ve been thinking a lot about my life,  about the person I’ve become, and the person I would like to be.  I have a very clear picture in my head of who this person is (think Liz Lemon with more self confidence), but my bad habits keep getting in the way.  Trying too hard.  Not trying hard enough.

I’ve had this revelations, these “come to Jesus” moments before.  Sometimes a couple things change, sometimes nothing will.  It is a hard thing to admit to yourself that there are mistakes you’ve been making for the majority of your life.  But grand epiphanies can only get you so far, if you don’t have the drive.

And a note to all who measure success simply by what shows on paper in black and white, who are NOT close to me:  I’m done trying to impress and appease you.  Seriously.  Done.  No matter what I accomplish, it’ll never be good enough, and I can’t wait until I have a degree/extensive weight loss and/or a mortgage to care about whether or not you are proud of me.  You are going to think whatever you think about me, I know that.  I’m just done trying to convince you I’m a person of substance.  Part of this self improvement is knowing when to stop fighting a losing battle.  Make all the assumptions you care to, but I can assure you that at least 50% of them are false.

All these changes and dreams, improvements and awareness, goals and plans:  the successes or failures are mine, and mine alone.  And I find peace in that.

I’ve had plenty of down time lately, which has resulted in lots of time, TOO much time to think. Some revelations:

I say “no worries” in response to people’s apologies, even though I know they aren’t that apologetic and definitely not worried.

I dislike tomatoes and overly-tanned people, but love sun dried tomatoes.

I have slowly becoming more of the person my ex boyfriend wanted to be, now that we are no longer together. The “Battlestar Galactica” addiction ALONE…

As much as a bookworm as I am, sometimes I get more joy out of going through bookstores and writing lists of books I WANT to read than I do actually sitting and reading one book. I blame the ADD, and the shiny colors.
truthfully, I think it’s my short attention span/ADD.

I would never want to be considered boring. For years I’ve always been considered a “keep you on your toes” kinda gal. Lately it feels like I don’t bring much to the table, and it’s given me a major chip on my shoulder that I cannot quite shake off.

I say AWESOME a lot. A few months ago I was constantly saying “rock on”. Sheesh.

I have a very clear idea of the kind of person I would like to be, but I keep letting my overly eager self infringe upon it. Or I simply forget to put these proposed changes into affect when I’m actually out living my life.

In other news, I’m craving hot, gooey vegan pizza.

I made some vegan chili today, and it came out even better than I could have hoped. It was magically good. I was planning on taking a picture of the finished product, but it got eaten. Quickly. I even got my mom’s boyfriend to eat tofu, and LIKE IT. Will wonders never cease.

At a certain point, aren’t you expecting a bit too much from your vodka?

So many single people get so bitter about Valentines Day, which is just ridiculous.  Why turn yourself into a victim, when you can use this day to express love for everyone else in your life?  It doesn’t need to be about romance, my friends.  It just needs to be about LOVE.

I love my friends.  I love my family.  I love all the people who have stuck by me through my crazies.  I love my new friends and the person they are helping me become.  I love my dog, my bed, quinoa, and Battlestar Galactica.

I love the fact that I walked away from a horrendous car accident with minimal injuries.

I love the people I have just met, but are amazing and interesting, smart, clever, and dynamic, and inspire me to be a better person simply so I can keep up .

I love being vegan and how it makes  me feel.

So take today as a chance to tell the people you love just how much you care. Take this obviously commercialized day and take it as an excuse to express to people just how much you mean to them.  A good excuse to get more love out in the world.  That’s what I’ll be doing, whether it be with a phone call, text message, email or card.  Love love love.  I’ll be the one over here with my heart on my plaster sleeve.

And just to make your I’ve got some nice Valentines Day goodies for y’all:

* a pretty decent makout mix from NPR.

* An article on how kissing relieves stress.

* And a recipe for a different type of heart shaped cookie!

This sketch has been stuck in my head for the past few days.

(You also get a chance to see vintage Jack Black. In leather pants, no less.)

I just never get tired of Mr. Show. Ever.

In reading “Diet For A New America”, the scientific, hard and true facts against eating meat are infinitely hard to ignore. However, it doesn’t need to be that complicated an argument. I originally got this list here

http://www.veganise.me/7-reasons

but I added some things myself.

1. UNESSENTIAL: WE DON’T NEED MEAT TO SURVIVE
Humans don’t need meat to survive and live a healthy life. They eat it because it tastes good, and it’s convenient for us as consumers.  That alone is not a good enough reason to put animals through suffering.  We can get more than enough of our protein from veggies, grains, legumes, etc.
2. HYPOCRISY: YOU COULDN’T KILL, GUT AND CHOP IT YOURSELF
Most people don’t like the sight of an animal being killed, let alone could they do it themselves. Eating them is therefore hypocrisy.
3. COMPASSION: ANIMALS FEEL PAIN AND FEAR TOO
Farm animals feel pain just like us and just like your pets. Electrocuting/cutting their throats is barbaric and inhumane. Farm animals are treated like a product and not like sentient beings that they are. They are fed hormones, are beaten and thrown about and live in confined spaces with complete disregard for their well-being.“Don’t do to others what you don’t want done to yourself”.
4. COWARDICE: LIKE BABIES, ANIMALS DON’T HAVE A VOICE TO FIGHT FOR THEIR RIGHTS
Slavery was once legal. Women once didn’t have right to vote. Gays don’t have the right to marry in some places. But they all have a voice to fight for their rights. Animals can’t beg for their lives or freedom but that is not enough reason that they should be stripped from those rights. In the same way that killing an innocent and voiceless baby is the most horrific act of violence, so is killing and mistreating an animal.
5. HEALTH: VEGETARIANS ARE HEALTHIER
Vegetarians live longer and have 40% to 70% less chance of getting cancer and other diseases than meat eaters.  Too much protein can cause heart problems and osteoporosis.
6. ENVIRONMENT: ANIMAL FARMING IS BAD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT
Half the rainforests in the world have been cleared for grazing; methane from livestock causes global warming; soil is eroded by cattle; slurry poisons waterways; and the seas are laid to waste by overfishing. The global appetite for meat and the industrial techniques of the meat industry are destroying the Earth. Farming contributes to 18% of all greenhouse gases produced by humans. That’s more than all forms of transport put together.
7. HUNGER: GRAIN THAT’S BEING FED TO ANIMALS COULD GO TO STARVING PEOPLE
While 750 million people go to bed hungry every night, one-third of the world’s grain is fed to farmed animals. A typical Western meat-based diet can only feed 2.5 billion people: a plant-based diet will feed every one of us.

If you want more reasons follow these links:

http://philipngcc.homestead.com

http://www.watchearthlings.com

http://www.goveg.com

http://www.goveg.com/theissues.asp

http://www.meat.org

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As I’ve said before, I do not want, nor do I intend to preach.  However, I think there is much information that peope do not know.   More than anything, I would love to see my friends, family and loved ones be healthier.

Some of my favorite funny people, The Film Pigs, just sent me nicest shout out because of my accident.

it’s at about 5:20 in the video.

I’ve never met them in person, but have emailed Stee (the one with the baseball cap) a few times, and read his blog daily. These guys are awesome, and it totally made my day.

If you want to see more funny stuff by them, also check out Jokey Bits.

…is rocking my world in a major way. How on earth did I go so long without watching this? FRAK.

I’m about halfway through the 1st season, but I have questions:

* How large/long IS Galactica? Is it, like, Death Star big? How does the President get from Columbia 1 to Galactica? How close are the civilian ships TO Galactica?

* Why did they wait so long to let the public know that Cylons look like people?

* Why only 12 models of Cylon?

* Is Number Six REALLY in Baltar’s head, or just a figment of his imagination? Or, at this juncture, are we not supposed to know this? (As I write this, I have just finished watching Season 1, Episode 6).

* And finally: When, and how, did Edward James Olmos get so awesome?

I woke up, inexplicably, at 5 am this morning.  Took a hot bath and just soaked for about an hour, which I haven’t really done since the accident, and it left me feeling better than I have in days.  I’m taking this opportunity to do some much needed writing.

Since my last post, things have gone from bad to worse. What my doctor claimed to be simply a contusion on my right hand was actually a fracture in the middle of my hand. It wasn’t until last Friday, 5 days after the accident that I finally got it re-set. It is now in a plaster cast, and has thrown a major wrench into my life.

I cannot take any of the art and design courses I signed up for this semester. I can barely grip a pen well enough to jot down a note, and I cannot type very fast with my left hand. And because spring semester starts in less than a week, all other classes I could have signed up for are filled.

So, no school for Allison. It is frustrating as the promise of school and starting down a specific possible-career path were a light at the end of the tunnel for me.  I finally felt like I was getting somewhere, not just spinning my wheels, waiting for life to happen for me.

I can’t job hunt.

I can’t drive.

Have to pause the exercise regime I had started.  Can’t take my weekly yoga class.  Don’t have an ipod to work out to.

Staggering medical bills and possible legal action against the hospital that misdiagnosed me.

All of these things piling up around me have been profoundly overwhelming, and have left me in a state of depression I haven’t felt in quite a long time.  Usually, when tragedy or misfortune hit, I have something happier to hang my hat on, which gives solace and distraction from my situation, whatever it may be.  In this case, I feel like I’m being hit on all sides.

And as bad as this sounds, the knowledge that I survived a ghastly car wreck, and that my injuries could be a lot worse, have no longer much effect on my mood.  I know that I’m lucky, I know that it could have been a lot worse, and that I should be grateful I’m alive, and no longer care about material things because I have FACED DEATH.  But seriously?  My life would be vastly more enriched if I still had my ipod.

In fact, my ex even brought up my (usually) tried and true philosophy to me the other day, that “everything happens for a reason”.  And normally this mantra has kept me sane through tough times, and I have been fortunate enough that the “for a reason” has more often than not revealed itself sooner rather than later.  So far, this has not been the case.  I have no projects, no dates, no money to replace the all the things I lost, limited mobility.  I feel isolated from all of my friends.

A note on that: I’m aware that my company may not be the most desirable thing right now, as I’m a bit downtrodden as of late.  In fact, because of my bruised ribs, as I joked to a friend the other day, “it’s physically painful for me to laugh” (or cough, sneeze, breathe deeply, or get the hiccups for that matter).  Still, I’d like to think I WOULDN’T be so doom and gloom if I didn’t feel so lonely lately.  However, I understand and agree with the saying “To be loved, be lovable”.  At a certain point, you can’t just rely on people to love you simply because.  Perhaps you need to remind people why they are your friends in the first place.  It’s just frustrating because I don’t feel like I can bring much to the table right now.  Nothing good is really going on in my life right now.  I have nothing interesting to share.

Maybe I shouls just start by not bitching so much.