In an attempt to “come on get happy” I give you this:

Today was the final straw. The camel’s back, she is broken. After a week of sinking further and further into this pit of depression, the grand finale was Hey Allison gets into another car accident!

I’m fine. I don’t know how bad the damage to the car is yet. I could go into further details…but I just don’t have the stomach for it right now. It will all get resolved at some point. The man I hit asked me “Allison, do you need some prayer?” to which I responded “No, I need my car fixed”.

So now, with this big Bang (literally) of a finale, I can choose to do one of 2 things: 1) I can sink even farther into this hole brought on by romance gone awry, poverty, stress and just plain bad luck to the point where it will be a serious problem or 2) try my best to focus on myself and … c’mon get happy.

So I’m trying for the latter. Because I may not be able to bounce back from the former.

My ex said to me the other night “You know, you seemed really happy, almost irritatingly so, before you started dating”. And it’s true. Maybe I have too much work to do on myself before I can give someone else in my life that much power over my emotions. So I’m going back to square one: Allison’s Kick-Ass-Taking-Names-Rockstar-Vegan Lifestyle. And on days when I get lonely…I’m gonna just have to deal.

I will say this though…in the vein of everything happening for a reason…I do not regret dating Colin. He has become one of my good friends who was there for me in a very major way today, in a way that no one else really could. I think if we hadn’t dating, we may not have become the friends we are, and I’m just grateful to have him in my life. And of course Haley, who sings me songs about monkeys and takes me to eat Thai food at 2 am, and sends me home with homemade ice cream and sings about monkeys again. Both of them probably kept my sanity in tact on Saturday.

I am now going to attempt some semblance of sleep. We’ll see how that works out.

I have nothing much to say right now (or that I feel like sharing on a public forum). But I wanted to post something.

Currently reading:

House of Leaves by Mark Danielewski

(This book is a major trip.)

Currently listening to:

Veckatimest from Grizzly Bear

I got this CD as a gift for becoming a KCRW sponsor a while back.  I started half listening to it, but after REALLY listening to it this week.  It is amazing.  The sounds and harmonies are very unlike anything I’ve heard before, and I am quickly falling in love with it.  My favorite song currently from the album is “While You Wait For the Others”

Currently bunning:

I’ll keep this brief, because I need to go to bed.

I adore my brother and his boyfriend and my surrogate family. Another wonderful weekend in Manhattan Beach, just relaxing, playing Scrabble, watching TV (The Office, Glee and lotsa Top Chef), some alcohol, lots of laugh and lots of love. I feel so blessed to have such amazing people in my life, who even though I don’t see as often as I like, consider me “sister” and “daughter” respectively. I’m also grateful for the single Champagne Mojito that KNOCKED ME ON MY ASS (seriously, I’ve become even MORE of a lightweight. Rum is officially dangerous for the Allison.

I had a long talk with my bosses on Friday, and I’m hopeful that, even though it wasn’t the most pleasant of conversations, it got some stuff straightened out. I’m actually looking forward to going to work tomorrow, something I haven’t really been able to say for awhile.

On that note, some other stuff got cleared up with someone I care about. Sometimes clarification is all you need to help you sleep better at night. It’s still not the greatest situation…but at least I’m not making myself crazy with not knowing.

I continue to meet more and more amazing interesting wonderful people.  Between reconnecting with some old friends and a buddy in my design class, I really just feel so blessed to have the people in my life there, and available to me.  They make my life so much richer.

Oh and HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAINEY!!!

Babe, I’m so happy you were born.

This is what $22 will get you at the Hollywood Farmers Market, aka the best place to be on a Sunday

School work.

What I am thinking today

I am most definitely having one of those “I do not want to be at work” days today. No particular reason. Maybe because I woke up at 6:10 this morning and went walking, when the city is just a little more quiet than usual (I could actually HEAR birds), and it was peaceful and wonderful and full of me time that now, in this office, back into the grind… I want to be home reading. Or walking some more! Argh.
(I also got to bundle up this morning when I went on my walk. I wore my hoodie AND a scarf! It reminded me of how when I used to drive to work at 7 am, I would bundle up in the car in layers on the drive there. I love bundling. I love Fall and Winter. I can’t wait:) )

Today would have been my parent’s 25th (I think) wedding anniversary if they were still together. I have no real feelings on the subject as they have been apart longer in my life than they have been together. What makes me more sad is that today is also my ex’s birthday. This is his 2nd birthday since we have been broken up, but it was something I always tried to make a big deal out of, so its a little sad.

I’m very frustrated with my first project for Design class. Part of it was just not using pen as well as pencil, part of it was misunderstanding the assignment, part of it was my professor not responding to my email until THIS MORNING (my class is this evening) about a question I have. I really wanted to document my work (and progression as an “artist/designer” on the blog, but this first assignment is not something I’m even remotely proud of. However, I’m still excited about the class tonight, because I’m only going to keep learning, which means there will be less confusion. AND, I made a friend in class who is going through the same steps I am to get into graphic design, so it’ll be nice to have a confidante throughout all of this (though my friend Emma, who is a graphic designer already, has been a wonderful sounding board for all my vents, frustrations, and sheer confusion (“They need a mat AND a chip board? Whats the difference?”)

ON top of that, I’m re-evaluating my health and my eating. Lots of Allison brain activity going on today

As I was walking through the main house tonight getting home from work, I heard strains of “If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out” by Cat Stevens. Its in an iPhone commercial (or maybe it was an iTouch, I’m not sure). This resulted in a bonding moment between myself and my landlord, who was a self professed Cat Stevens “groupie” back in the day.

I love “Harold and Maude” (the movie that made the song so popular). My dad was always so great about exposing me to amazing things at a younger age than most parents would, and I think I really benefited from it, as well as it having a large hand in how my future “tastes” were developed (My favorite book “The World According to Garp”, I originally read after seeing the movie adaptation, and dad saying he “wasn’t sure I could follow it”. My love to prove people wrong runs deep

This was one of the very first songs that I learned how to play on guitar when I was 14. While a lot of Cat Stevens music brings up a ton of nostalgia, this song in particular….well, it made me happy, thinking of my dad, and singing the same song over and over again, just because.

“If you want to live high, live high, and if you want to live low, live low.”

I should follow that advice

…how nothing is ever quite as simple as it seems?

I spoke on the phone for an hour with someone who, despite all our turmoil for the past 4 1/2 years of knowing one another, still gets me better than most. We have both changed immensely since we broke up, and hadn’t heard each other’s voices in months…still…he knows the core of me better than almost anyone on the planet.

But we were able to talk…as friends. Without baggage, without hurt feelings or raging emotions. Hell, he even gave me something resembling dating advice (though it pained him to do it).

Sometimes when the world is getting you down, you just need to talk to someone who gets you.  Who, stripped away of everything else, knows who you are.

It will probably be awhile before we talk again.  It was a big step, and kinda out of left field.  But it happened.

I missed my friend. And talking to him helped.  A lot.

Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.

“Fear and Loathing” is not a good book to read when you are a) slightly depressed b) mildy buzzed (2 stress cigarettes leave me feeling a bit…”buzzy”, since I rarely smoke or c)feeling at all off, or not in control of your life.

I am currently all 3.

This has been a feeling that I have been battling intermidetly for the last couple months. And while there are certain factors, I’m a little at a loss for why I’ve been feeling this way, when I look back on posts from just a few months ago, which are full of praise and love and excitement about what would come next.

What happened? I’m still working, I still love my place (even more so as I make it more and more my own), I still have a pretty active social life, I’m FINALLY taking the classes that may lead me to what could maybe be my career…but that excitement, that feeling of badass-edness is gone. I find myself stressed and just generally unsettled and not that happy.

I sleep a lot. It may be the heat…or because being awake leaves me alone with my anxiety.

I could write more…but my own thoughts on the subject are not well formed enough to subject all of you to them. For now, I will attempt to force myself into a better mood (sing a song, text a joke, take a long shower), power read through the rest of “Loathing”, as it certainly isn’t helping my particular feeling of oddness, and walk into tomorrow with a renewed sense of…optimism.

I am super busy at work, and dont even really have time for this, but I feel like my head is going to explode, and I need some sort of outlet.

Work is crazy. School WILL be crazy. I am feeling

Lets try again, shall we? (Allison needs to learn how to breathe sometimes)

Over the past 2 months, I have had more and more responsibilities at work. Partly because of new management, and partly because my training period had come to an end, and it was around that time that I would be getting more stuff anyways.

Its been insane. Any of you that have spoken to me in the past couple months knows how stressed I have been, and how difficult the transition has been, answering to a new person who, while a very smart man, is not used to managing people so much as he is running a business as a whole. And finally, FINALLY, he and I have started working together well as a team, and I am just now able to start building a clear line of communication and organizational system for my job.

And then he goes “Ok, Allison, so I’m going to try and start the transition to have you be my personal executive assistant.(something I have already pretty much been, but now will be even MORE so) But you are still going to be office manager too”. There has been no talk of paying me more money.

I rarely, if ever, talk about work here. The other day, my mom expressed concern, stating “So I guess you aren’t liking your job anymore”. “Why do you say that?” “Oh, because you never talk about it anymore, and when you do, you just sound tired.”. I feel I should clarify…I really do, most days, love my job. I like the work I do, and the people I work with. I’m treated with respect and my input is appreciated. But it’s a job. It’s not my career. And that is the biggest reason I don’t talk about it on my blog (besides the fact that I don’t need everyone who reads this knowing where I work).

When I am here, I am passionate, busy, invested in the good of the company and the work I do. But when I clock out…I CLOCK OUT. They have been talking about putting me on salary for awhile now, and I refuse, because then I would NEVER LEAVE. As it is, I need to remind them constantly that I’m in school, and need to leave on time some days.

The first week of school is always rough. That first day, when you’re handed that syllabus, and you see just how much work is ahead of you…it always gets a little daunting (at least for me). I’ve been running around all weekend buying supplies drafting and drawing and art supplies, and worrying how I’ll be able to excel at all of it.

But I keep pushing.

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
— Marilyn Monroe