Living with my mother, most of my stuff was in storage (kitchenware, books, home decor, furniture, etc), so I was living pretty minimally.  After I moved out, I was able to get rid of even more stuff because, as you know, forgetting you have things is sometimes the easiest way to decide what is worth keeping, etc.
After that, I got into the habit of doing a monthly cleaning house of my small one room back-house.  Which might have been excessive, but I was always bringing new things home from garage sales and art stores.  Used books, some odd fabric I thought I could “use for something”, etc.  During my more stressful times, it was the most cathartic thing in my life, making me feel like I had control over something.

I subscribe to so many rss feeds on Google Reader about organization, ways to streamline your life , body and mind.  One of the blogs is actually named Unclutterer.  But I noticed that every time I would read people’s queries, it was mostly how they wanted to hold onto things for sentimental reasons.  And while, initially, that was absolutely what prompted me to hold onto things (something being a gift that I would never use, but from a well-meaning, if albeit clueless family member or friend.  Clothes that I would never wear, but represented something to me.  A million drawings, scraps of paper, half written notes to myself that I couldn’t bear to put in the garbage.  Over time, I became much less sentimental about those things, only saving the greeting cards that had a special message in them, as opposed to the ones that just had “Love, Grandma” or etc in them. Looking through the mounds of newspaper and magazine clippings and seeing what really seemed relevant to my interests NOW.

But instead, my clutter seems to stem not from thinking about the past, but thinking about the future.  Keeping things in case I might need them is one thing, and also things that would be hard to come by later on, perhaps…these are the things I grab hold of tight, and rarely want to let go.  And it isn’t just physical clutter, it’s digital clutter as well.  If you were to look at my browser on my home computer, you would see at least a couple hundred bookmarks saved.  Some are in the properly categorized folders (Recipes, Local Exploring, Articles, Art Techniques, Technology), and a lot aren’t.  If you were to look at my Google Reader “Starred Items” page, you would see another few hundred items that I want to come to later, and rarely do.  But I like knowing its there.

So is this a packrat tendency, or a fear of missing out issue?  Even if I never look at that article again until maybe 6 months later, I like knowing that it’s there.  I will feel much more comfortable saving that article along with the zillion others, than going “Eh, when am I gonna paint a mural” and decide that I don’t need to save it right at this moment.   I have at least a hundred recipes saved that I would love to make…and I think I have actually prepared 5 or less from the ones saved on my computer.

Billy says I try to do too much.  Clearly, if you know, you will know that I don’t really do THAT much.  At least not recently.  But I try to.  I have this insatiable urge to learn everything, to have any type of knowledge or info i find interesting at my disposal at any given moment.  I tell him that I am never going to want to stop learning, to stop gaining skills and knowledge and DOING things.  But while that desire is all well and good…how often do I realistically DO those things?

I know that the easy answer is to scale down, try to focus on one or two things at a time…and maybe that is something I can do when life pushes me in one of those directions.  But since my resources for cooking that fabulous meal ($$ for ingredients and possibly other kitchen tools I don’t own), painting that art piece (desired skill level and materials, as well as focus and inspiration), learning graphic and/or web design (the stable enough schedule to learn as well as the focus), etc. are limited…the best I can do is grab a bit from column A, a bit from column B, and try to do things here and there that make me feel productive, make me feel like I’m moving forward in some fashion.

And maybe that’s why I save those instructional books and websites, constantly add to my list of books to read on typography and different art mediums, save those photos on pinterest, bookmark those articles on running…it’s optimism.  That one day I will be ready to jump in and utilize these tools that are so readily at my disposal.  By keeping them nearby, it helps keep me hopeful that one day soon I’ll be able to really use them.

For now (if you haven’t noticed), my blogging is on a bit of a hiatus while life takes the front seat for awhile and Billy and I get settled into our new home. 

he writes like he is trying to be a less aggressive Bukowski
Every troubled young man tries to write like fucking Bukowski these days
“In THIS format, my faults will be praised as “gritty” and “honest”
ugh. fucking addicts
thats all they can talk about
whats the point of doing all this to live your life if the most daring and creative aspects of your life are still connected to the substance?
“when i found her almost od-ed in the bathroom floor”
So this protagonist will find solace in another equally fucked up being
“Fade to black. Fin”
*rolls eyes*

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This will be my three hundreth blog post on WordPress. It’s not a particularly large milestone, actually feels like a rather small number considering I have been writing this blog for…3 years almost?

I drove out to Mississippi about 3 months ago.  3 months seems like a laughably short amount of time considering how long it’s felt.

In true odd Allison fashion, I moved temporarily to a place I never in my life saw myself living, where culturally, is a BIG change from Los Angeles.  Like, huge.  I mean, I live here:

It’s right on the water.  It’s a huge port, a decent sized city with it’s own airport.  I don’t live amongst the swamp people. 

But I mean…its the South (or as Haley refers to it, the “dirty souf”.

One of the things I really want to do at some point, probably the most touristy after visiting NOLA, which we still havent done yet , is go to the Tabasco factory on Avery Island in Mississippi.  Yes, I actually want to go on a tour to see where Tabasco is made.  And the funny thing is, I clearly remember being younger, opening a box of Tabasco, and seeing a little insert advertising “visiting the home of TABASCO pepper sauce”, only to throw it away and go “That would be cool, but when the hell am I ever gonna be anywhere close to LOUISIANA?” (the irony is rich. So very rich)

Editorial note:  We did go to New Orleans, which was amazing, but never DID get to go to Avery Island.  Boo x 75.

My little family will soon be together again.  Get ready Los Angeles.  The Gingers are coming

I grabbed you by mistake. I don’t know how it happened. I was JUST READING the label of the unsalted crunchy. It was in my sight. But alas…i grabbed you.

You weren’t what I wanted. My uses for peanut butter are limited to PB&J sandwiches (the lazy vegan’s go to) and the occasional spicy peanut sauce pasta. Both require more texture than you sir creamy can provide. Eating a pb and j with you is like eating a sandwich of just sauces.

People come to me for advice about a lot of things.  I have many mistakes in my life that I have gathered some wisdom from, and I play devils advocate a lot of the time, as well as always understanding that my friends are NOT me, and therefore I can’t just expect them to do what I would do.  I’m not saying that it is all gold, or that they even end up taking it, but if nothing else, people seem to know that I take care and consideration when I am asked my opinion or suggestions, whether they agree with it or not.

But people don’t ask me about boys.  Or men.  They ask what I think a text means, or if i think someone is cute…but what the hell do i know about men? So I was caught a little off guard, but figured I would put things in a way that I wish someone had worded it to me.

any advice?

advice about boys?

His profile picture is of him playing football!

hard to tell
can just see the one picture
hmm
he doesnt read books that often :/:/
here is my advice for you
it is always nice to get attentiion from boys. and have them like you. its a great feeling….but dont ever sacrifice yourself and the awesome girl you are in order to have a guy like you. or KEEP liking you, for that matter.

at the end of the day
its the most important that YOU like you
so like boys
have fun with them
flirt
but dont put too much stock in what they think of you or how they treat you
because they are REALLY stupid
and there were guys that i liked SO MUCH in my life
and i look back on them and im like….”yikes. what a loser. why did i care”
and im not talking about when I was your age.
I cared way too much about really un-remarkable men that were SO not worth it in my 20′s! haha.

Ok. I mean he seems nice. Idk he said he would text me later I am trying to stay calm. I got it I will def keep that in mind!

dont get me wrong.  It’s exciting.

It is!

but just enjoy it, and have fun.  don’t let it become that important.
this is the time in your life where you need to fall in love with yourself more than anything.  which shouldnt be hard to do, because you are AMAZING
:D

But, we all remember what it’s like to be 15.  And to care way too much about the stupidest guy simply because he grins a certain way (or maybe just looks like a guy from a tv show that we found cute.  Who knows why we build the attractions we build?).  We never understand how insignificant things like that are at a young age until we are older (even though adults love to tell us anyways).  So all I can hope is that her butterflies stay healthy.  That she has fun.  That getting attention from boys doesn’t dictate her behavior and her self-worth.

I’m glad that I didn’t date much when I was younger.  But I had crushes.  And I cared way more than I should have.  It was wasted effort, and no doubt bled into my adult life once I was older.  All I can hope is that she is a better listener than I was.  Maybe all that talk about how cool she thinks I am will pay off

I will actually be making a living wage again. Thank god.

This is one of those opportunities that you hear about, with people starting at the “bottom” and working their way to different, better positions, working hard and making your own reputation as an intelligent, resourceful asset. I could see myself working for the Studio in some capacity for the next few years while I’m in school. Believe me when I say that the promise of that type of stability in my life, regardless of any potential advancement, is equally, if not more exciting than the new job itself. The last few years have been so rough, and even prior to that, I worked for such small companies with no room for growth, and rarely felt that I would be working there for a long time. This feels like a do-over.

My new job is not glamorous, but it’s a lot of fun. and I really think I’ll be great at it. Apparently they did too, because they hired me about 20 minutes after my interview with the manager of the department. I don’t care who you are, getting hired on the spot or on the same day of your interview is ALWAYS a great feeling.

It’s a shame i can’t share more. I’m gonna be learning some very interesting things. But I guess for now, all you need to know is:

I’m excited.

I’m optimistic.

and, thanks to this majorly helping our financial situation, Billy should be back in my arms by the end of July (if all goes to plan).

But alas, I have not been feeling very talkative, and certainly not articulate enough to type them out and publish them, even in BLLLAAAAARG form.  Little nuggets of ideas get scrawled out half-assedly in assorted notebook and sheets of paper, and never followed through with.

Follow through.  The skill that could enhance my life for the better, if only she would return my calls.

But alas, this summer is one for projects.  I rushed back to L.A in order to start school in time.  And I’m taking my last final this afternoon.  I emerge (albeit crawling) from Spring semester, ready to work full time (should it happen – more on that later) and pick up the things that I let fall by the wayside – reading for pleasure, learning new things, cleaning and organizing and basically doing a huge overhaul of everything, mostly my many possessions (read: crazy bag lady crap from being a person with major interest in mixed media art.  “Oh no!  But what will I do without my 4 broken picture frames!”), and then actually MAKING some of that aformentioned art.  I’m starting to realize how many opportunities in Los Angeles there are to have your work displayed (in someone’s home, at a coffee shop, etc) but I don’t have enough of a collection to show people.  And for my own feeling of self worth, I need to create something that is as good as this:

because I’m immensely proud of it, and its the piece that catches everyone’s eye.  It’s probably the best thing I’ve done so far, but the problem is…I made that in early 2009.  I’ve done some lovely things since then, but nothing as complete and wonderful and exactly what I invisioned originally as this.

I’ve long since acknowledged that my last lengthy bout of unemployment drove me to a severe depression, along with some dangerous bouts of insomnia mixed with forgetting to eat (and forgetting to pay parking tickets and some assorted bils, leaving me, Future Allison, with something around $1000 in debt that I am currently trying to take care of) and generally just a mess of important aspects of my life…  But i’ll say this:  homegirl was fit (I did yoga several times a week), utilized her creativity constantly (I havent painted a lick in 2011), and way funnier on Twitter:

I now have partly blue dyed hair. The look has been equated to a superhero vigilante. And Cookie Monster. Both are correct.

But alas, too much time has been spent on here talking about the past.  As someone (i dont know whom) said, “If you are still talking about what you did yesterday, you haven’t done much today. “

So I have stuff to say.  Hopefully a lot of it won’t actually be about ME and my currently rather un-interesting life, but certain subjects I find interesting.  Maybe THATS why I stopped writing here…i was boring myself!

I’m gonna study some more, but for now, I share with you this:

because I will never ever get tired of this. I think I want it playing on a loop at my funeral, to prevent anyone from getting too sad. And also, because it is FANTASTIC.

Nothing is more degrading than when you have to sell yourself.  Nothing makes you doubt yourself, your abilities, or second guess your decision making more than applying for and hunting for a job.

Last year I was unemployed for a year before getting a job, and THAT job was retail based in Mississippi.  Luckily, it allowed me to transfer the job out here, so I had SOME source of income.  But 8.25 an hour at 27 hours a week is not something I can live on as a 26 year old adult with bills and rent to pay.

We are also apartment hunting right now (as best as we can when one half of our household is 2000 + miles away) and that is yet another major aspect of my life that is currently relying on other people’s opinions and decisions.  About me.

Lately my less than bubbly demeanor has been coming across far more than I would like it to, or intended to for that matter.  You know that you have become a little black rain cloud when an online acquaintance you know solely through Twitter, emails you privately and asks if you are ok.  I rely so much on my humor to offset any negativity I put out, but even the funniest jokes don’t properly cover regular less-than-optimistic statements.

I keep telling myself (and others) that this is the rough patch.  That it will eventually improve simply from perseverance and hard work.  If nothing else, life should be a bit easier in the summer since taking summer classes isn’t proving to be an option (due to most CC’s in the area cutting their Summer session entirely).  But for now, I’m just a little worse for the wear.  Picking up my studies, working, commuting farther than the job is worth driving to on a daily basis, and trying to clean up my financial…messiness… it would be a lot for ANYONE to handle.  But I will get through it.  I just don’t have an ETA on when that is.

Mostly I find that the thing getting me the most blue, the most stressed, the biggest factor in all of this…is not lack of free time or even too many things on my plate.

It’s the lack of stability.  Of control.  It’s hard to make a budget when you have no clue how much money you will be bringing in next month or the month after that.  To figure out what school to register the Fall semester classes with, because you dont know where you will be living.  etc etc.  I often feel like if just one thing would get figured out or fall into place, everything else would just be THAT much easier.

However, I am pinning far too many hopes and dreams on a fortune cookie i got today.