and i ran, i ran so far away.

My moment of zen: sitting on the balcony of a lovely house, staring out at the ocean.

I should feel fortunate that this is available to me.  And I do.  But I know what awaits me when this weekend is over.

I go back to a home, to a city full of memories.  Every street corner, shop, and my own apartment is wrought with memories that are bittersweet.  And while I am enjoying my weekend escape, as a getaway and a chance to take care of Allison… I am all too aware of what awaits me, and am scared that I am only prolonging the inevitable sadness.

I took certain things off the walls as quickly as he had left.  I knew it would be easier to deal with that in the moment rather than deal with it later.  However, I know that there is a part of me that has not quite processed everything, and I am dreading the expected emotional punch in the gut.  I just hope it comes quickly, and there is alcohol or a close friend close by.  Preferably both.

My last post spoke to timing.  Timing was definitely a factor in this.  Timing was not on “our” side.  Maybe it will be again, someday, but I need to force myself to not think of the possible “someday”, or I will never truly recover.  There is a good chance we HAD our time.  And it was nothing short of beautiful.  But the clock keeps ticking, whether we like it or not.

Timing may have been on MY side though.  I’m not in school at this moment.  Nothing, other than work, is expected of me.  I have 2 more months of minimal responsibilities before school starts again, and my bookbag will be heavy enough without too much emotional baggage.

I don’t entirely know what to expect, and what the future will bring.  I have no clue how easy or hard this is going to be, because I am so different than I was the last time we went through this, and I’m trying to hold myself together with class and strength, which was not done 2 years ago.  I have yet to truly see how much this is going to hurt.

So for now, I’m enjoying not being in Valley, which is 20 degrees hotter, and where my love sleeps.  I’m happy that I am around people who care for me, but will leave me be.  And I’m grateful for silence at this very moment in time, and a beautiful ocean view laid out in front of me.

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~ by Alli on Saturday, June 21, 2008.

One Response to “and i ran, i ran so far away.”

  1. I was there then…
    …2 years? Really?
    …I’m here now.

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