Stage 2: Anger

last night and today have been my angry moments.

I think about happy times, and I’m mad.  I’m mad because they are tarnished now.  I’m mad that now I’m finding out what some people thought of our relationship, and however misguided their opinions are (and some of them definitely are), I’m mad about that too.  Not mad AT anyone, just mad in general.

I’m mad that the person who claims to love me so much, couldn’t love me enough to feel invested in the simple act of being with me.

I’m mad that you are making me feel all of this.  I don’t want to hate you.  I don’t want to have all these conflicting feelings.  Part of me thinks it would be easier to just be sad.  How funny, I always thought that it would be easier to be angry.  Shows how much I know.

All I know is, I’m now second guessing every molecule of something that used to be immensely precious to me.  That makes me the most angry.  The fact is, we had something special, and you took it for granted and threw it away.  I guess I just expected better of you.

It won’t always be this way.  hell, it may not be this way tomorrow.  This is not me burning bridges or cutting ties.  This is simply me needing to let these feelings escape me before my chest explodes.  I still love you, and know you still love me a lot.  These are just the stages that one goes through.  I really believed in us.  It’s kind of like finding out there is no Santa Claus.  And when that something (the entity, the relationship, not a particular person necessarily.) lets you down, it hurts.  And it’s hard to find your faith again.

Currently reading : “Slaughter-House Five” by Kurt Vonnegut


~ by Alli on Wednesday, June 25, 2008.

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