sadness speaking

My last few blogs have been very brief.  I don’t know how to best articulate how I have been feeling lately.  I am constantly around people, I have a busy social life.  And yet I am so goddamned lonely, mere words can’t describe it.

I so didn’t want this webjournal to become melodramatic ramblings.  I wanted so much more for this little page.  But I guess I should be happy that I have some sort of outlet.

I think I need to get back to how I was handling the initial break.  I need to be distracted.  I need to read, or watch TV.  If I speak to friends, I need to talk to them about their problems.  Turns out this won’t be as easy as I thought it was going to be.  I shouldn’t feel guilty about how I’m choosing to handle the breakup, but I should have kept my mouth shut.  But I don’t know how to keep things from him.

I so desperately don’t want to lose my best friend.  I WON’T make apologies, I did nothing wrong.

Fuck, I don’t know how to make this better.  I am so selfish sometimes, and then, when I SHOULD be, where I should care more about myself than the other person… I keep putting them first in my mind.  I SHOULD be mad.  And I am… but all I keep thinking is, “please don’t remove yourself from my life”

I guess thats what real love is.  Constantly caring about the other person more than yourself, no matter how much it is to your detriment.

 

I feel like shit.  I feel like a raw nerve.  I feel sad, confused, and hopeless.  I feel like I did a year ago, when he broke my heart.  I feel unloved, unwanted, and nobody’s priority.  I’m no one’s first choice, except maybe my mom’s.

I feel helpless.  I don’t want to think anymore.  I want to be numb to all this.  Truthfully, thats probably why I did what I did.  I don’t want to feel anything.  Now I can see why people turn to substances.  Not that I am, not at all.  I can just see why.

In the meantime, I guess I’ll just use novels as a distraction.  Oh, and sleep.  Lots and lots of sleep.

 

 

Please don’t float away from me.  Please remember that everything you are feeling, I have felt tenfold.

MAN, I need a friend. 

 

(It should be noted that I am aware that this post is all over the place, and probably makes little to no sense.)

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~ by Alli on Sunday, July 13, 2008.

One Response to “sadness speaking”

  1. There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first!!!! NOTHING! You cannot even begin to make another person happy unless you are happy first. And for another person to solely depend on you for happiness is selfish. The fact that you are getting YOUR stuff in order. That you are doing what YOU want is not selfish. It is taking care of Allison!

    Allison needs to take care of herself!

    BTW, I went through a very hard, heartbreaking separation last year so if you ever want to ramble, feel free to call on me – I understand all your feelings. T.t.t.t.t.trust me.

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