popsicle frenzy, crippling sadness, and Day Thirteen

I’m scared.

I’m scared that I won’t find a job that I like, or likes me, or…suits me.  That I’ll end up taking a job I hate out of desperation.

I’m scared that I’ll end up fighting with my mom everyday I live with her, and our relationship will turn to something horrible again.  That being said, I worry about going back to the person I was when I lived with her before.  I was desperately unhappy… I’m scared of going back to “that place” mentally and emotionally.

I’m scared that Jordan and I will never be able to be friends. Or worse, that we will be able to be friends because we just don’t love each other anymore. For some reason, that seems almost as bad. At this point, us loving one another, but not being together seems to be causing us to hurt each other over and over again. It’s like we are still together in that sense. Having him to talk to has been such a comfort the last couple weeks, as he still gets me better than opst. But we need some space. Still, I’m scared that we will never be in a good place.

I’m so scared. I don’t know what to do, how to act, how to deal. There is nothing stable in my life right now. Nothing is going well. I feel so lost. All of my friends are finally getting out on their own, getting things accomplished, graduating, getting homes, jobs, moving out of their parents house, and I’m moving back in with mine. I know, I know, it’s just temporary, blah blah… It’s still hard to not feel like a giant loser.

Today I barely got anything accomplished. I just stayed in bed, occasionally getting up to check job listings, cancelling my gas and electricity and water.

I just want to lay in bed and wait for things to just get better. I know that’s not going to happen, that its all waiting on me…

But for now, I just want to sleep.

Today’s craving: LATKA’S. (I’m such a jew sometimes, but usually only when it comes to food.)

Potato Lake party

With gobs of sour cream.

I don’t have any potato equivalents in the house… so I have just been gorging myself on Sugar Free Popsicles…

Too many popsicles

The tongue is even more colorful than this in person.

….I feel like I’m gonna cry.


~ by Alli on Tuesday, August 19, 2008.

2 Responses to “popsicle frenzy, crippling sadness, and Day Thirteen”

  1. those latkas look good!!!

    But on to more pressing issues: please don’t be scared and sad. I know there’s a lot of shit right now, but you really can’t let that get to you. It’s only temporary. Everyone goes through rough times every once in awhile. It’ll get better.

  2. Stumbled across you now and want to share a thought I had a while ago when I was in a similar situation…

    Most people crave ‘security’. It’s natural. People reach a stage in their lives where they want to start checking boxes on an imaginary checklist – good job, check. Nice partner, check. House, check.

    The truth is, there’s no such thing as security. Nobody knows what will happen tomorrow, so the best thing you can do is feel secure in yourself. Never mind the rest of it!

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