Self Esteem is a Heavy Issue

I’m having some major self esteem issues right now.

I have been trying to lose weight lately. Like, actually taking it seriously, going to the gym multiple times a week, watching what I eat (though I find that with the vegan diet, bad food temptations are a lot less likely)

Lately I have been feeling like I am backsliding. I just FEEL bigger, even though my weight hasn’t gone up more than about a pound, though it has stopped going DOWN, which bothers me.

I know, I know, this is some major self loathing going on right now. I will no doubt get comments and/or emails from friends expressing their affection for me, and calling me beautiful. It’s just… I’m considered by many to be pretty. but I feel like the weight holds me back. I’m re-entering the dating scene, ALMOST back to the weight I was when I started dating my ex…but even when I was down to that weight, the male species wasn’t exactly banging down my door. Chubby chasers or guys that, quite frankly, couldn’t do much better….  A perfect example of this is the very attractive and VERY drunk guy that hit on me on New Years Eve.  I knew that the only reason he was making moves on me was a) he was drunk, b) he didn’t live locally, and c) I was the only woman around at the peak of his drunkenness.  No great loss, when I didn’t reciprocate, he was kind of an ass, but still…it reminds me that the certain type of guys I find attractive, and would LIKE to date have certain tastes that I, most likely, will not meet, MOSTLY because of my size.

I’m rambling, I know. But I am so self conscious when meeting men these days…by hitting on Guy X or Guy Y…am I out of my league? Am I fooling myself in thinking they would even be remotely interested in me?  It’s like gambling, before setting down your bet you want to know how good your odds are.  If I were 30 pounds thinner, my odds would be so much better.

I would rather be alone than settle, I know this much. And I don’t want a “boyfriend” anyways…but, man, I do get lonely sometimes. I have great friends and a pretty great social life. But I miss the things that you can only get from someone you are dating. Those little bits of affection, hell, just the KNOWLEDGE that you like someone and they, miraculously, LIKE YOU BACK. You wouldn’t think it, but that knowledge is surprisingly powerful stuff, especially when you have been used to having it for so long.

But back to the weight… I know I should just continue what I’m doing, and not binge on food (albeit healthy food) like I did today…and love myself, blah blah blah…

Mostly it’s the fear that when hitting on a guy, that I’m just kidding myself. I think thats what scares me the most.

I will probably regret posting such a vulnerable, stream of conciousness post in the morning, and MAN does it go against my feminist brou haha.  Haley will yell at me.  And I just realized that this is my first post of the new year 😦 What a way to start off 2009, huh?  I better post some bunnies again soon.

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~ by Alli on Sunday, January 4, 2009.

3 Responses to “Self Esteem is a Heavy Issue”

  1. Soooooooooooo not yelling at you! But, dude, maybe you should reconsider entering the dating world so soon. It seems like you need some time by yourself. I know it has been said before, but confidence is the #1 turn on by many folks!

  2. i’m sad that this is your first post of the year…

    but you know how I feel about you and the way you look. And I know it’s probably tiring to hear, especially if you feel a certain way-but I feel that anything that would help you feel better about yourself, is worth it to me to say. I hope that made sense.

  3. I think you should try dating soon, it makes you better and give more time to yourself.

    Chris

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