The Aftermath

I woke up, inexplicably, at 5 am this morning.  Took a hot bath and just soaked for about an hour, which I haven’t really done since the accident, and it left me feeling better than I have in days.  I’m taking this opportunity to do some much needed writing.

Since my last post, things have gone from bad to worse. What my doctor claimed to be simply a contusion on my right hand was actually a fracture in the middle of my hand. It wasn’t until last Friday, 5 days after the accident that I finally got it re-set. It is now in a plaster cast, and has thrown a major wrench into my life.

I cannot take any of the art and design courses I signed up for this semester. I can barely grip a pen well enough to jot down a note, and I cannot type very fast with my left hand. And because spring semester starts in less than a week, all other classes I could have signed up for are filled.

So, no school for Allison. It is frustrating as the promise of school and starting down a specific possible-career path were a light at the end of the tunnel for me.  I finally felt like I was getting somewhere, not just spinning my wheels, waiting for life to happen for me.

I can’t job hunt.

I can’t drive.

Have to pause the exercise regime I had started.  Can’t take my weekly yoga class.  Don’t have an ipod to work out to.

Staggering medical bills and possible legal action against the hospital that misdiagnosed me.

All of these things piling up around me have been profoundly overwhelming, and have left me in a state of depression I haven’t felt in quite a long time.  Usually, when tragedy or misfortune hit, I have something happier to hang my hat on, which gives solace and distraction from my situation, whatever it may be.  In this case, I feel like I’m being hit on all sides.

And as bad as this sounds, the knowledge that I survived a ghastly car wreck, and that my injuries could be a lot worse, have no longer much effect on my mood.  I know that I’m lucky, I know that it could have been a lot worse, and that I should be grateful I’m alive, and no longer care about material things because I have FACED DEATH.  But seriously?  My life would be vastly more enriched if I still had my ipod.

In fact, my ex even brought up my (usually) tried and true philosophy to me the other day, that “everything happens for a reason”.  And normally this mantra has kept me sane through tough times, and I have been fortunate enough that the “for a reason” has more often than not revealed itself sooner rather than later.  So far, this has not been the case.  I have no projects, no dates, no money to replace the all the things I lost, limited mobility.  I feel isolated from all of my friends.

A note on that: I’m aware that my company may not be the most desirable thing right now, as I’m a bit downtrodden as of late.  In fact, because of my bruised ribs, as I joked to a friend the other day, “it’s physically painful for me to laugh” (or cough, sneeze, breathe deeply, or get the hiccups for that matter).  Still, I’d like to think I WOULDN’T be so doom and gloom if I didn’t feel so lonely lately.  However, I understand and agree with the saying “To be loved, be lovable”.  At a certain point, you can’t just rely on people to love you simply because.  Perhaps you need to remind people why they are your friends in the first place.  It’s just frustrating because I don’t feel like I can bring much to the table right now.  Nothing good is really going on in my life right now.  I have nothing interesting to share.

Maybe I shouls just start by not bitching so much.


~ by Alli on Friday, February 6, 2009.

5 Responses to “The Aftermath”

  1. You actually can still go to school. Contact a counselor & discuss your situation with them. When I took Pierce’s class (for the first time), I used to take notes for a handicapped girl in the class. If anything you can get some pre-reqs out of the way. I have no doubt you can be part of the disabled students thing for awhile. Seriously – by law, they’re supposed to accommodate you.

    As for the accident, yeah – it could have always been “Worse.” I mean not even in the sense of you dying – you could have been paralyzed, lost an arm, been burned, the list goes on. It doesn’t mean that what happened is any less. Does that make sense.

    Since you can’t to yoga, I would recommend meditation and some breathing exercises. And, just remember, life is a circle. Oh, and read The Power of Now. 🙂

  2. i already talked to a counselor. seriously, you think I would give up that easily? no, they said that all the pre-reqs i would need to take are already filled up 😦

  3. Hmmm, have you thought about trying to “add”?

  4. yes. the night classes i needed were full.

  5. It was really good to see you last night though. 🙂

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