I’m a rocket ship on my way to mars, on a collision course

I am a bundle of nervous energy. Anxious. Antsy. Aggravated. And those are just the A’s, I could go on all night. If I didn’t already have a training session in less than 12 hours, I would hop into my car, drive to my 24 hour gym and try to burn this energy off somehow. I’ve tried jumping jacks, weighing myself down with food… nothing seems to work. I can’t lay down, there is nothing to distract myself with on the internet, no one I want to talk to is awake, and I don’t want to talk on the phone. I want to drive somewhere, get out of this little room I very literally LIVE in, day in, day out, over and over again, with only brief respites of occasional time spent with friends, or going to the gym, or the (very) rare interview.

I was in a decent mood, and then all of the sudden, got hit with this frighteningly strong wave of loneliness, helplessness, nausea… this intense feeling of displacement, or the want of it. This nervous, non-productive energy that is impossible to be channeled into anything other than driving me slowly insane.

I HATE THIS.

I repeat for the millionth time, I want my goddamn life back. This has gone on too long. My life is pointless right now. I have no job, no school this semester, no money to try and explore other hobbies, passions. All I do every single day is job hunt, go to the gym, occasionally go over to a friends, occasionally hike (and THAT is starting to lose it’s calming effects on me as well.)

I wish I owned a punching bag.

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~ by Alli on Wednesday, March 25, 2009.

2 Responses to “I’m a rocket ship on my way to mars, on a collision course”

  1. I know you’re probably really sick and tired of hearing this…but you must be patient. I’m sure something magnificent will come soon, I can feel it. And you have to believe that it will. I still do…

  2. This is exactly where my life is too. Its kind of bumming me out. the actors need to settle a contract so that i can work on a feature or a series. or some other cool project. I am sure it will work out one way or another
    -T

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