clean getaway

A friend of mine said to me the other day “Maybe you couldn’t realize how much you were in love him until you realized you weren’t anymore.”

It occured to me the other day how much I simply do not care anymore.  On some level, I will always care about him deeply, and I pray that he someday becomes the man he is capable of being…but my hands have long since been washed of the foolishness.

There was always blame to share, I’m sure.  But as the distance between us grows longer and father, now that he has disappeared into that horizon, not even a speck, (because a speck means I’m still watchig him walk away, doesn’t it?), now that those last few remaining threads of our ripped tapestry have been snipped clean through.  Now that I have looked at our past with a logical, mature mind, can I finally say out loud my conclusions.

I loved him desperately.  Speaking to him on the phone if only for a brief second made my day.  I had never been close to loving someone the way that I loved him.  He was more than just a partner, he ran through my veins, he was, in some form or another, a part of every decision that I made.

I look back in astonishment at how badly I let myself be treated, always coming back for more.  The cruelty of his tone, the callousness he treated my tears when he was just “tired of dealing with it”.  I kept knocking on that door, and for 3 years, I only got as far as the doorway.

He was always a better friend to me than he ever was a boyfriend.  When the tension of a relationship, and the sex and the bullshit that goes along with it were peeled away, you had two people who couldn’t have been a better match for one another.  But in my experience, the biggest fault of a good man isn’t maliciousness or even selfishness…simply cowardice.  The way he chose to handle…well, every problem we had was cowardly.  Sometimes its easier to call someone an asshole rather than a coward…because calling someone an asshole doesn’t attack their masculinity.

Those 3 years were not all bad.  But I’m glad they are over, relieved that I came out of those ashes a better version of myself than I ever imagined possible (and still improving).  I hate him for giving me this baggage that I now have strapped onto my back for all future relationships.  Just because he was an asshole doesn’t mean his criticisms of me don’t echo in my brain from time to time (“Will the next man I date also refuse to share a bed with me because I toss and turn when I sleep”  “Will I be sexual enough”  “Will I be loveable enough”).  I hate myself for putting up with it as long as I did, and so willingly at that.

A year later, I can finally say out loud what I’ve been feeling for a while now.

Perhaps someday we CAN be friendly, since thats the only thing we were able to do well.

Thank god I am not with you anymore.  Thank god I didn’t mistake your begging me back for real love, instead of the ego stroking upper hand manuevering that it was. And while I take responsibility for our ultimate demise, it was you who ultimately killed us (and that includes our subsequent “friendship”)

I hope that one day you can grow up, and face lifes challenges with the integrity that I know you are capable of.  But, in the meantime, all I can say is…



~ by Alli on Sunday, June 14, 2009.

One Response to “clean getaway”

  1. CHEERS! xoxo

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