Hazy Day Blues

As I write this, it is currently 101 degrees in North Hollywood. Los Angeles is on fire. Everything feels like its in a haze.

I was up late last night, and woke up early to see my mom, so I’ve been a zombie trudging around the studio, intermitedly sleeping or dozing. The sleepiness plus the heat has continually kept me in a daze and out of sorts feeling that I’ve had all weekend, sleeping for 12 hours on Saturday morning when I was depressed, wanting nothing except to burrow into my bed and read a book. And thats what I did all morning. It was nice. Actually, more than nice, it was NEEDED.
Then I stayed up all Saturday night, again most of it in a daze, and emotional one at that. Last week was not a good week. A lot of hurt feelings and raw emotions and just plain bad luck/timing, which led to a generally melancholy feeling which hasn’t entirely gone away yet. Because of lack of/too much sleep. Because of things I have no control of. Because of this goddamn heat.

I met a man that I really like, and who miraculously likes me back. But timing is not on our side right now. I am trying to learn from my previous mistakes and not push things, force things…it’s proving very difficult. When it comes to something I want or am excited about, I am not, by nature, a patient person. It is probably one of my worst qualities. It has cost me money, relationships, the quality of the work I do. But this strikes me as something that may be worth making a change for.

Do you ever have a memory that you want to run through your mind over and over again? Letting it wash over you, warming you in the places you feel coldest? But you don’t want to overuse it. You remember it too well, and too often, you’ll wear it out. You’ll stop remembering the moment, and start remembering the recitations of the moment. The descriptions of the emotions rather than the feelings themselves.

So you keep it in your pocket for a rainy day. You can’t wear it out; you’re gonna need it to last you awhile.

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~ by Alli on Sunday, August 30, 2009.

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