feeling right now

DISCLAIMER:  This is not a cheery post.  This is also extremely personal.  I have been more stressed and  physically nauseous from anxiety than I have been in months.  I thought getting it all out would help me feel better, in a blunt, non-verbose manner. Read, comment, etc. That doesn’t mean that I want it thrown back in my face at a later date.  If you are a member of my family, please don’t share it with OTHER family members.  If they are meant to read it, they’ll come across it on their own.

What I am feeling right now:

I feel like a loser for my generally poor showing as a student this semester. I am frustrated that the technological aspect of this field eludes me, when it seems to have come easily to everyone else I know who uses this software in any way.

I am disappointed in myself and my piss poor study skills, and general aptitude as a student. I’m a downright terrible student. Smart girl; terrible student.

The more confident I become, the more I realize how insecure I actually am. The knowledge/realization/acceptance of this fact almost seems to make it stronger.

Despite being on medication for my attention deficit disorder, I feel like it gets harder and harder to focus these days. Sometimes I wonder where the ADD ends and the good old fashioned

I’m STILL hurt that J.B from 10 months ago didn’t/couldn’t love me (and I use that in the loosest sense of the world). And that even after the smoke cleared, and he was able to move forward from his personal crisis and be happy, he still didn’t/doesn’t care about me. Because he did, once upon a time. And now he couldn’t seem less interested in me, even as a person. I’m truly angry at myself that I still care, even slightly, about something that should have been so insignificant.

I so want to be seen as impressive by people that I’M impressed by. While I appreciate the respect given to me by others (many of them smart, nice people), I feel like I’m still reaching, reaching, reaching.

Just once, I would like to have a crush on someone, and have it be reciprocated. Not make a connection and start dating, not sense their interest and go from there…. but just meet someone, think they are amazing, build a crush, and then have them end up liking me back. I’m starting to think that just doesn’t happen in real life. Someone either likes you, or they don’t.

I really do honestly and truly love that my friends come to me for advice, because they really do listen to what I have to say, and respect and genuinely seek my opinion. It makes me feel wise, and like these years of pain and struggle have some purpose. However, sometimes I wish I could stop myself from getting involved and talking to and consoling people just because they want me to, because I don’t have the time, or the energy. Sometimes it just comes down to me not wanting to go over the same thing over and over and over again.

In that vein, I wish I was better at saying no.

My entire life will be spent making sure that I feel, and that others feel, that I am above average. That I am special. By the odds, most of us who believe ourselves to be are actually quite average.

I know I care too much what other people think. I know that it negatively affects a great many aspects of my life, and is the direct cause for 90% of my happiness. But the fact is, I physically cannot fathom how I would go about caring less without seriously deluding myself. My brain cannot find any gray area, no midway point

Sometimes I worry that I will never REALLY be the type of person I want to be

I’m pretty sure I don’t know what the hell I really want from people, or what will truly make me happy. This scares me, because the idea of being this unsatisfied and grumpy with what comes my way for the rest of my life is deeply, DEEPLY depressing.

While I like having all the male friends I do, and would date not a one of them, I definitely wish more often than not that I was treated a little more like a girl by them. Being a buddy is great, but having your femininity completely disregarded by a member of the opposite sex on a regular basis can definitely be a blow to the ego.

I’m afraid that on some level, the answer to the majority of these problems is simply losing 30 or so pounds. And since that’s just not physically possible, short of micro managing every bite of food and exercising 6 days a week, I feel like I’m ultimately doomed to a life of being unhappy, and never getting entirely what I want.

I feel creatively stifled.

I really miss having money. I miss having clothes that fit, because whats the point in losing weight if no one can tell once you wear your baggy ill-fitting clothes.. I miss being found sexually attractive by men that I didn’t find repulsive. I miss being found fascinating by people I too find fascinating. I miss the days when I didn’t have to start sentences with “Well, I’m unemployed at the moment”. I miss being able to focus on a book for longer than 5 minutes. I miss feeling pretty to people whose taste I actually trust. I miss aspects of my life that I never actually had.

Sometimes I’m afraid that they are right, and that I actually do suffer from some sort of clinical depression. I never know for sure, because I’ve had a lot of things to be depressed about. However, just the thought of going on anti-depressants, well, depresses me.

I’ve had good luck, I’ve had bad luck, I’ve had great things happen to me… But I’m trying to remember the last time I felt like I had a “win”.

I’m afraid that I’ll just never finish college. When asked to do a “Where Do You Think You’ll Be In Five Years” list in therapy, I outright refused to the point where I started yelling. The concept is terrifying to the point of an anxiety attack.

I will never admit how much I want someone to take care of me.

I feel like I’m losing my mind, just a little bit.

May has been a decidedly crap month.


~ by Alli on Thursday, May 20, 2010.

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