i carry your heart in my heart

The other day, I posted this on my facebook:

I’ve found that I can be surprisingly forgiving of wrongs done to me, but save the true anger and vitriol when it comes to those doing shitty things to my friends and loved ones. THAT, my friends, is a show. A scary, obscenity-laden show.

This status was “liked” by 4 friends, two of which have seen first-hand what a scary little person I can be.  One of which I am currently staying with while she is going through a divorce.  And while I have often expressed my anger and disgust at how her soon be ex wife is handling the divorce (unnecessary maliciousness and greed, etc), it wasn’t until last night, after hearing of the ex’s latest action, that I blew my lid.

Listen, people break up all the time.  It is ugly.  It hurts.  But when the biggest reason the relationship is ending is simply because the coupling doesn’t work anymore, there is no logical reason why you need to treat someone you once loved like they are sworn enemy.  ESPECIALLY when you are the one doing the leaving!  This woman is treating my friend like crap, and bullying her.  Making her afraid to speak up about what is fair, simply because she is afraid to raise the ex’s ire and be treated even worse?  That is called BULLYING.  There is a difference between “picking your battles” and genuinely being afraid to speak up about injustice being done to you, at the risk of MORE injustice being done to you in the process..  And no one should ever put up with the latter.

But yeah…I get angry.  Family members and people who have known me for a LONG time already know this (I used to not have as good a handle on it as I do now), but friends of mine who have only known me the last few years are often surprised to see this side of me.  Yes, I am loud.  Yes, I am passionate about things.  But I’m mostly goofy and optimistic, diplomatic and often try to play devil’s advocate.  To hear me talk, I have a pretty healthy and pragmatic outlook on life, human relationships, pain, etc.  And it isn’t just for show;  I genuinely try to be a happy person, and not let things get me down.  My short life has been pretty rough, the roughest of which came at a young age, and coming out of experiences like that can leave people broken and negative.  I was that way for awhile, and later decided that I would not LET my pain define me.  I would try to not immediately blame others when it would be more efficient (and easier) to try and asses and possibly change my own actions.

While there are always factors involved, even mood disorders (of which I happen to have), at the end of the day, you can either CHOOSE to be happy, or you can choose to not.  Does that mean that it makes all other problems go away?  Of course not.  But ultimately, you can choose to fight for it.  Fight to be happy.

But I digress…

While there are, of course,  several people I don’t like, and several that don’t like me, I can count on one hand the amount of people who I “HATE” for my own reasons.  3.  I hate 3 people.  Total. (One of whom I’m not even sure how it evolved INTO hate, both from my end or from theirs, but that’s another entry for another day.)  There are probably double that of people who i genuinely loath based on their treatment of important people in my life.

I realize that this whole post comes off as someone simply bragging about what a good friend she is…which is not how it was intended.  How was it intended?  I dunno, it’s 3 am, and I’ve been studying for hours.

I guess I’m just sharing something…well, something about me, how I handle/view things…That, the way I have lived my life, has been to love people in this specific wway…not even to “be a good friend” or “be selfless” (the latter of which I am still learning how to do, now that I have a partner in life who is directly affected by any decisions/actions I make.  It’s odd, but in a good way 😉 , is to have an almost physical reaction to their emotions.  I burst out sobbing the other day because of a friend’s medical scare. While I am of course worried about them, the really strong emotions seem to come when I was thinking about the stress and worry THEY are going through.  Another example is a conversation I had with Haley when she first started dating her boyfriend/now husband, and I was seeing her happier than I ever had before.  She posted this conversation on HER blog at the time.

Take it from my friend Allison:

You know
i like to think i know you pretty well
and ive never seen you like this
this is gonna sound
like
really ghey
but sometimes i hear you talk
and youre just so HAPPY
and my chest literally starts hurting because im so overwhelmed with how much i love you and how great it is to see you like this
and that is the GAYEST THING I HAVE EVER SAID TO YOU OMIGOD im gonna go move my couch
lol

Yap.

but simply to REALLY love and care about another human being, is to feel their pain and joy within your own body.  At least, that’s the way I do it.  😉

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~ by Alli on Wednesday, March 30, 2011.

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