May 10, 2011

I hate job hunting.

Nothing is more degrading than when you have to sell yourself.  Nothing makes you doubt yourself, your abilities, or second guess your decision making more than applying for and hunting for a job.

Last year I was unemployed for a year before getting a job, and THAT job was retail based in Mississippi.  Luckily, it allowed me to transfer the job out here, so I had SOME source of income.  But 8.25 an hour at 27 hours a week is not something I can live on as a 26 year old adult with bills and rent to pay.

We are also apartment hunting right now (as best as we can when one half of our household is 2000 + miles away) and that is yet another major aspect of my life that is currently relying on other people’s opinions and decisions.  About me.

Lately my less than bubbly demeanor has been coming across far more than I would like it to, or intended to for that matter.  You know that you have become a little black rain cloud when an online acquaintance you know solely through Twitter, emails you privately and asks if you are ok.  I rely so much on my humor to offset any negativity I put out, but even the funniest jokes don’t properly cover regular less-than-optimistic statements.

I keep telling myself (and others) that this is the rough patch.  That it will eventually improve simply from perseverance and hard work.  If nothing else, life should be a bit easier in the summer since taking summer classes isn’t proving to be an option (due to most CC’s in the area cutting their Summer session entirely).  But for now, I’m just a little worse for the wear.  Picking up my studies, working, commuting farther than the job is worth driving to on a daily basis, and trying to clean up my financial…messiness… it would be a lot for ANYONE to handle.  But I will get through it.  I just don’t have an ETA on when that is.

Mostly I find that the thing getting me the most blue, the most stressed, the biggest factor in all of this…is not lack of free time or even too many things on my plate.

It’s the lack of stability.  Of control.  It’s hard to make a budget when you have no clue how much money you will be bringing in next month or the month after that.  To figure out what school to register the Fall semester classes with, because you dont know where you will be living.  etc etc.  I often feel like if just one thing would get figured out or fall into place, everything else would just be THAT much easier.

However, I am pinning far too many hopes and dreams on a fortune cookie i got today.

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~ by Alli on Tuesday, May 10, 2011.

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