This month has been a hard one.

April is normally my favorite month.  In addition to it being my birthday month, awesome and fun things always seem to happen in April.  My luck has always been pretty good.

But this month has been an emotionally difficult one.  Besides the normal stresses of not being able to find full time work, and the subsequent money issues (not being able to pay our rent in full this month, wondering how we are going to eat, etc.), there have been some personal issues I have been dealing with, ultimately making me feel more alone than I have in a really long time, and crying myself to sleep more times than I care to admit.

My mom, for years, would always would tell me this story about a professor she had at UCLA, who would, before the start of every big exam, say to the entire class, “I know this can be stressful, but just remember, no matter what happens, there is someone, somewhere, that loves you”.  Mom would often bring this up to me when life got so rough , in the hopes that I would remember that one thing.  It helped, sure, but knowing your family, who are genetically attached to you, loves you almost feels like the free space on a bingo card. It’s the ones that have chosen to love me that I have always found the most comfort in.  (The fact that I am currently not on speaking terms with one of those people who has been a main fixture in my life for over a decade is the cause of most of my most recent depression.  I wasn’t always loved by everyone, but I was always loved by her.  As of right now, i have no clue what the future holds, and it’s hurts.)

Last night I was laying in bed reading, while Billy had his face burrowed into my shoulder, Harley was sleeping on my legs, and Mister Cat was curled up on my stomach.  At that moment, I felt incredibly loved.  Yes, 2 of them are animals and one is my boyfriend…but they all love me.  They find comfort in me, and I in them.  At that particular moment, it was exactly what I needed.  To be reminded that despite my flaws, I am still able to be loveable.

My little family has gone through a lot in the past few months.  But they love me anyways.  And for right now, at this very moment, that’s enough.


~ by Alli on Tuesday, April 24, 2012.

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