Another thing that is pretty awesome is having a home that you can take pride in, and a job for a company you genuinely love and admire, and am so behind what they do and why they do it. I don’t know if I have ever had such pride in working for a place as I do right now.
Life is getting pretty damn good again. And not in the way I would have expected. Go figure.
Dogs are awesome. They are amazing. My day can immediately be made better upon seeing or petting a dog.
Maybe I’m simple. Or puppies are magic, and y’all need to go find a dog to love on right away.
I loved this song when I first heard it in 2009. I thought it was beautiful and sad and sweet.
It wasn’t until I was leaving Mississippi back in early 2011 to go back to Los Angeles, leaving behind the man I loved, not entirely sure when he would be able to come out and follow me. (It took longer than either of us thought; I left in early February, and he wasn’t able to move out here until the end of August).
We have been together in L.A for almost a year now, and been in a relationship for almost 2. A lot has changed in our relationship, we have faced a lot of hardships, and I’ve personally made some mis-steps that have affected us both. We have fought, he’s been homesick, and his first year on the west coast hasn’t been an easy one.
But he’s still here. Whenever I express concerns about whether he still loves me as much as he used to, that’s what he reminds me of. ”Allison, I could leave anytime I wanted and go back home. I have a place to go, I would have a job waiting for me, there are even people who would send me money for gas. If I didn’t still love you and think you were worth all of this, I’d be long gone.”
Actions do speak louder than words, and as I get older I’m realizing that I should be paying more attention to them.
But every time I hear this song, (which appropriately came on my iPod right as I was getting onto the interstate) I think about pulling away from that house in Long Beach, MS, dog hair still on my clothes from hugging our pup as hard as I could, and looking in my rearview mirror at the red-eyed, red-haired man standing in the driveway, crying myself, and marveling that someone could love me that much.
To All Trolls,
you realize I can see the IP address you are commenting from, and from that, match it to previous comments left before on this blog, right? It’s also not that difficult to identify where the IP’s are coming from in general. You aren’t being nearly as stealth as you think you are (and since it was only recently that I started getting rude, negative comments on this 4 year old blog AT ALL, it wouldn’t be a stretch to figure out whom anyways.)
I know who you are. Please stop. Unnecessary doesn’t even begin to describe these recent actions. I am no threat to you (or anyone). I’m stressed and unhappy and you believe that I brought that on myself, and in some ways you are right and in a lot of ways you are wrong and it’s certainly your prerogative to think whatever it is you want to think. But kicking someone when they are down, even someone you have such clear disdain for, is immature and nasty behavior. I don’t need your anonymous bullying (or false sympathy as a way to make fun of me, “Mio“) to make me feel bad about myself.
Obviously I can’t stop you reading this (though considering I matter so little to you, I don’t know why you continue to. I guess we all do some bored web surfing from time to time.), but posting harassing comments to someone that you have nothing to do with anymore and is doing nothing to you is just all around shitty and hurtful. You have made it very clear what you think of me, now just leave me alone and live your life.
Besides, as I posted in the comments the last time you posted something, “I’m sure you have more important and less ridiculous things to do than to harass people anonymously in comments“. You are busy people. I honestly can’t see what this benefits you besides a few minutes of mean spirited glee.
I really hope this is the last time I have to address this.
I have never been good at math. While I breezed through English classes, reading comprehension, etc., I have ALWAYS struggled with mathematics, failing or barely passing my classes. In high school, the highest level I ever completed was Basic Algebra (or Algebra 1).
As an adult, I’ve found that I’m surprisingly adept at quickly adding & subtracting, multiplying and dividing in my head. But still, when it comes to algebra and higher…something doesn’t compute (I used to know someone who was quite skilled at math tell me once that it’s usually the people who understand more advanced equations, etc, that have a harder time with doing small equations in their head. Which would explain why I could quickly multipl without paper and a pencil – and fail all my math classes – and she would have more trouble with that, but yet exceed in every single advanced mathematics course she took). I don’t understand, I try to understand, I just feel like whoever is teaching this to me is contradicting what they said prior (which is, of course, ridiculous, since, unlike almost every other subject, the rules of math AREN’T up to interpretation or opinion. What’s right is right, what’s wrong is wrong. That’s it.)
Side Note: Something that just occurred to me as I was writing this – Maybe it speaks volumes about my personality. That I’m bad at following rules. That I always want to tweak things to suit me, to compromise, to work around things and adjust, and here is this unyielding, steadfast entity, and as a result, I don’t. Despite the fact that this mindset DOES seem to benefit me in regards to my creative problem solving both in work and in life, it causes problems as well, has made me more and more resistant to compromise as I get older, and it’s definitely not a trait I’m proud of, so it deserves consideration: I’m sure there is a way to still think out of the box creatively and instinctively while still following necessary guidelines that are in place.
But regardless, as an adult, I actually TRIED to do well in math. When I was younger, I got frustrated after awhile and just stopped trying and started half-assing the work (so I could more quickly do something enjoyable or something I felt I actually felt I had a fair shot at – another negative personality trait, which unlike the previous one, shows no positive outcomes that I can see; I’m a complete instant gratification junkie. Which is probably the most immature of all my less than favorable qualities, but that’s a post for another time, as I could certainly go on a whole ‘nother rant about THAT one). But, a year ago, when I took my first math class in college (and my first math class AT ALL in 8 years) I tried my damndest. I went to math lab to work quietly and get help from tutors every day I had a class (2-3 times a week). I took extensive notes. Most nights, I would take my homework and my headphones, and go straight to a late night or all night coffee shop immediately after class, so I could work on the assignments while all the info was still fresh in my head, so I could more easily retain it by putting it to work (as well as going somewhere without any distractions, which would be much harder to do at home). I compared my work to the answers in the back, and if I didn’t come up with the right one, I tried to see where I went wrong. I asked questions A LOT. And by the time I turned in my homework packet every couple weeks, and even while taking the tests, I always felt I had a decent grasp of the material. But my test scores told a different story, and I failed most of them.
Needless to say, I didn’t pass the class.
I was so upset. Normally when I failed or did extremely poorly in school related endeavors, it was because I didn’t try as hard as I could have (I have so many “does not work up to full potential” report cards when I was a kid that I could wallpaper my bedroom with them). And, on the flip side, if I tried extremely hard in a class that I found difficult, the extra work would usually pay off, and I would at least get a passing grade.
Here’s the weird thing though: I REALLY enjoyed taking a math class. I didn’t enjoy the failing portion, obviously, but I’ve found myself, in the following months, MISSING IT. Missing the assignments, missing the work. Something about sitting at a table and just being given a sheet full of problems to solve. (Maybe that falls in line with the whole “desire for instant gratification” thing. I love solving problems. I love fixing things and building things and having my idea/know how/work be the final piece of whatever unfinished puzzle might be at hand).
No, seriously. I miss having math homework. (cue Twilight Zone music.)
Since I’ve been out of school for the last, um, year or so (?) now, I find myself kinda jealous when I see a couple of my friends posting stuff on Instagram of their sheet of equations that they are stuck working on. (Ashley, if you are reading this, I’m talking to you. Your picture of your homework over a month ago is what prompted this post more than anything, which is pretty sad on my part.)
Since school has been sort of up in the air the last few months, part of me considered just checking out a Basic Algebra textbook from the library, and try to study, teach myself, work on things. But I already have forgotten what little I DID properly learn in that class (to be fair, I consider myself a pretty intelligent person, but my retention skills in ALL subjects are pretty weak. I remember stupid minute details about things that aren’t important – perhaps remembering with my emotions and less with my brain – but ask me to tell you how a book I read a month ago ends, and I will most likely be hard-pressed to tell you), and as far as Math is concerned, I need guidance if I’m going to do it right.
I’m sure part of it is that I don’t want Basic Algebra, a subject that 15 year olds regularly master, to make me it’s bitch. I like a challenge, and my ego isn’t great about me doing badly (or outright FAILING) at something, especially when I made a genuine effort . My ego also doesn’t like being told I CAN’T do something. So I’m sure the fact that this is a subject that I have been struggling with for a decade is not sitting with me all that well.
When I talk about resuming school, and bring up math again and again, I usually get asked why I don’t just focus on design-related courses for now(since that’s the field I would ultimately like to be working in), and deal with the general ed stuff later once I’m in the swing of things. But I want that damn math credit. I’m more than willing to start back up with my weakest subject, because, quite frankly, for someone that worked so hard to support themselves and be an adult at a young age, I’ve given myself way too many outs and allowances in the last 2-3 years. I used to be someone who walked to two jobs in opposite directions because I didn’t have a car, worked two part times jobs, totaling 50 hours a week because I needed the money, who got shit done and didn’t think twice about it, because, well, it had to be done. No one else was going to do it for me. I didn’t have a boyfriend, or a particularly strong relationship with my family at the time. But then somewhere along the line, I decided I deserved to be young and have fun (which is fine), but kinda regressed, and never got back to the 19 year old me that worked a lot harder. I’ve dealt with a lot worse shit at a much younger age, and handled it much better than I have MUCH less important bullshit at 25, 26, 27… Needless to say, I used to be prouder of myself.
So I welcome the challenge. I welcome the hard work. I feel like I NEED the opportunity to work hard to make myself feel better about myself. And, unlike writing a paper for English, or creating an art piece for a design class, there is no “gilding the lily” in Math. When you are done with your sheet of problems, you are done. Whats more, you KNOW you are done. There is something very satisfying about that.
And if I AM able to take a math class this summer, and you hear me crying and whining about how much I hate it later on, remind me I wrote this, ok? 😉
Once my brain can function more clearly, I have GOT to tell y’all about the hellish moving weekend that has been going on. Like, its a story that needs to be shared, because if you can’t at least a good story out of a nightmarish experience like this, then what’s the point?
In the interim, I would like to post a little memorial for this poor little injured crow we were trying to take care of, and then 20 minutes later got killed by my mom’s lovable, but stupidly ill trained Labrador.
Goodbye sweet little crow. I’m so so sorry you had to go out like that.
(See? I told you this day has been a nightmare)
I think I have packing block.
Like writer’s block, except that instead, I just can’t combine things in proper boxes anymore. Packing requires extremely basic problem solving and concept of space. And I feel like that part of my brain is broken.
Perhaps I should play some Tetris to jump start my brain again?
Or just throw everything in boxes, tape ’em closed, and deal with it when we unpack. Surely that’s the adult, responsible thing to do.
*Organize EVERYTHING. You have no idea how excited I am about having a spare bedroom that we can use for storage/ an office. I have stuff in my friend’s basement in Santa Ana that has been stored there for almost 2 years (ever since right before I moved to Mississippi) t. There are books I haven’t read or flipped through in years, art supplies I forgot I owned, movies I haven’t watched in forever. It’ll be fun going through all my old stuff, and being able to perhaps look at it with new perspective, and maybe get rid of some stuff
*Cook more – Billy is a wonderful cook, and I am extremely lucky to have a non-vegan boyfriend who cooks for me on a regular basis, and who loves to try out new recipes and ideas for me (Garbanzo bean tacos, vegan poor man beignets, seitan spare ribs and falafel meatballs). But I used to cook a lot more, and look forward to having a bigger kitchen to try out new stuff myself. I may never be to the level B is (since he was a sous chef back in MS), but I can still try and hold my own 🙂
*Give Harley a bath – Harley has a great natural scent, and is a fairly clean animal. She still smells great, and gets regular flea treatments. But it’s been 7-8 months since she got a proper bath, and I think my fluffy big-eyed baby needs it.
*Have parties – I will finally have a place to have large groups of people over. Enough said. That’s the dream. I’ve always wanted to have a home that people came over to on a regular basis.
I’m bummed about moving farther away from everything (as much as I hate Little Armenia, I love being near Hollywood, Griffith Park, and a 20 minute drive from pretty much everything else), and living in the San Gabriel Valley can be a bit of a pain in the ass when all your friends are in Los Angeles city proper and the Valley, and your work is on the Westside. But having a home that can be just that…It’s gonna be nice. And it’s exactly what we need right now.
And I know my mom is happy to have me Harley nearby.
I am generally not a huge comic book movie person, but when you live with a colossal nerd, such interests tend to be thrust upon you. I have now seen all the movies leading up to this, and am actually pretty damn pumped to see it.
Argghhh what has Billy DONE TO MEEE???
Please leave me alone. You win. Just please stop trolling me on the internet, and please leave me be. I know what my faults as a person are, I don’t need you telling me.
Just stop. Seriously. PLEASE. You have made your point. YOU WIN.
allison's eclectic expatiation 